Friday, August 29, 2008

You need to see "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"

'Cause this? Is one funny movie. I was sort of so-so on seeing this one, I'm lukewarm on the Veronica Mars chick, and Russell Brand? Why is everyone going GaGa over this guy? I saw the trailer in the theater, and thought "really stupid movie."

In my opinion? I was wrong.

I totally get it. Everyone in this cast was really funny. The chemistry between them was such that you know they had the best time working on this film - and I laughed a lot. I laughed even harder the second time through the next night. I think this may be one of those movies that you can watch over and over again through the years and it just gets funnier. I GET the Russell Brand thing now. He's the character that could have been one you'd hate... but he's so charmingly offbeat and funny - even though he's just a disgusting character - you really like him. Something that could have been just bad dialogue from someone else is hilarious from him.

I won't lie. This is a vapid movie full of juvenile, raunchy, filthy humor - and tons of sex. (I am truly surprised they could come up with enough material for a G rated trailer.) Not something for family movie night for sure - I'm going to be taking it off my iPod next time I sync it because I fear my children might somehow see it and be scarred for life. I can't say I didn't laugh, because I'm a girl who is amused by really classy high brow humor like that.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Know what would go great with that outfit? Spinning Rims!

OK, lets be honest. This season, so far, has not lived up to previous seasons. Even the judges are making fun of the contestants’ designs. Remember the good old days of Season 1, back when Michael Kors actually used to give constructive criticism? Now it’s all mocking and laughing and the Bitch is snarky! Who knew that Michael Kors was a mean girl? Plus? I can’t believe he outed his aunt’s bad bar mitzvah style choices. Bet his $10 birthday check gets lost in the mail this year.

Now, let’s begin.

I think it’s funny that they’re all expecting they they are going on a field trip to see Mariah Carrey or something/someone glam and fabulous. Even when they see it’s a parking garage they cross their fingers that they’re on their way to a hot party. It’s a GARAGE people, even I saw seat belts and Saturn coming. (They ARE a sponsor.) I was relieved, however, when Tim didn’t hand out exacto knives for slicing up the interior. Oh, and how about the shirt that the designer from Saturn chose to wear for his national television debut? Somebody grab that man a stylist.

I do LOVE this challenge. It hearkens back to Flower Power in Season 2, and Waste Not Want Not from Season 3. This could be a good one for creativity. It is original and fun. Car parts. What could be less fashionable? Of course, Joe is all over the manliness of the challenge. Drag Queens and carburetors. He’s the man! Also, Kenley might be smart, but to listen to her talk you’d never catch on.

OhOhOHHH! Suede just said “I”. (Ha Ha Ha.) Inconsistent pronoun foul: No immunity for YOU this week. It’s first person or third… consistency points will be awarded.

LeAnn doesn’t have a clue what to create for this challenge. I smell a winner!!! Maybe the meek really shall inherit the earth?

Who pissed off Keith? Is he pouting about the judicial mocking he inspired last week? It was his own damn fault – he’s a one trick pony. What a cry baby.

Suede thinks Whackadoodle is the new Girlicious. Never. I do have an embarrassing admission to make, however. “Holla” is now part of my vocabulary and I HATE Tanboi for that. I holla bad words in his general direction!

Ironic that we are presented with a challenge where they were given leather to work with, and Stella feels the need to go in a new direction.

Kenley is using air filters and it’s genius. I find her whining about having to change models absurd. Shoot, she could accordion fold a paper towel to fill in the gap in the back and the judges wouldn’t notice. “Shanon bailed on me and I’m pissed.” Perhaps Shanon had a death in the family? Kenley? Is kind of a needy bitch who bugs.

Jerell seems very inspired tonight. See, Keith? They laughed out loud and Jerell’s Little Bo Peep outfit and he didn’t let that get him down. Suck it up, baby.

WTF is LeAnn making? Her outfit may involve a ball gag at some point.

Terry and Korto crack me up. I love how they can tease each other.

Stella’s boyfriend is named Ratbones. “Hi Mom, Dad…. This is my new boyfriend, Ratbones.” Yea, I can’t see it. I see she must have found something to use as a grommet though cause she's pounding away. She's nothing if not reliable, pounding in the corner week after week.

Keith? Is a dick. His garment is falling apart at the seams and he’s all like, “I gave her one small task…” Tissue?


Ohhh, Laura is here tonight! Fun.
Rachel Zoe? Ick.

Jerell: Very futuristic. Styled correctly. I like it.
Keith: BORING. He said it’s pretty well constructed. Ha Ha. It’s falling apart, dude.
Terri: Hard edge, biker chick outfit. It is very cool.
Kenley: I don’t love this. It’s just OK. It is original.
LeAnn: Wow. That dress looks amazing.
Suede: The top is fabulous. Very cute. I hate that I like it.
Korto: that jacket is DARLING. If it were a little less bulky it would be enviable.
Blayne: I don’t think it’s horrible, but the bottom reminds me of a mop.
Joe: Looks like something a JV Cheerleader from some high school in New Jersey might wear on game night.
Stella: It doesn’t match. The pieces are fine, but they don’t go together.

Terri, Suede, Joe and Kenley are safe.

I love this part. “Let’s bring out your models.”

Rachel, “Quite Amazing.”
Michael, really liked it.
Heidi thought it was very exciting.

Laura, likes the idea, but not the fit.
Michael is not a car wash skirt fan. LOL.
Rachel, wishes it was shorter.
Heidi mentions that Blayne has doomed himself to 7 years with no sex for breaking a mirror. (She’s got your back, boy)

Laura, great shape.
Rachel wants to walk out the door in it. So chic.
Michael it’s elegant.

Michael thinks the silhouette is fabulous and it is crafted beautifully.
Rachel is blown away. She LOVES this dress. Flawless.
Laura, likes the shape.

Laura, doesn’t seem to go together.
Michael, it looks random.

Rachel, disses on the back. Was that gap intentional?
Laura, there is no concept.
Michael and Keith now have words. Even though we all want it to go to a cat fight, Michael puts it into perspective. Keith looks shamed.

Winner: LeAnn
Auffed: Keith (Buh Bye)

Notes: Of my original list of designers that I thought might make it to the end this year? Only Joe and Kenley are left. Boy, did I get the wrong first impression! Now I think the top four are Korto, Suede (Gahhhh), Terri, and Kenley. Perhaps Jerell, but I don’t think the other’s have what it takes to make it in the long run. We’ll see…. I was more than a little wrong earlier in the season! I thought Kelli was brilliant. Holla!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

“Karma’s Bitch? Party of One, your table is ready…”

So, I’ve lost my drivers license. When I say I’ve “lost” my driver’s license, I don’t mean in a casual, yet annoying “I have no idea where I left it and now I have to spend an afternoon at the DMV waiting in line to get a new one” kind of lost.

In fact, “lost” isn’t the right word at all, since I know right where it is. The State of Colorado has had it since I was caught doing a rolling stop at that damn stop sign on Berry, and the police officer took it with him when he left me with a ticket. And? It’s not like he took it with him by accident either. Suspended would be the right word.

See, I had coffee with my brother on Sunday morning, which has nothing to do with the rest of the story… except to let you know why I was out driving and returning home from that particular direction. As I was driving home, I suppose I was a bit in my own little world, thinking about the week coming up and how Husband would be leaving town that afternoon.

I didn’t even SEE the police car at the new-ish stop sign. Now, ever since Sister Wife Martha notified us that the new revenue generator had gone up, I’ve been oh so careful. In our neighborhood I'm usually pretty careful anyway – ever since I got caught going 35 mph in a 20 mph school zone at 4:45 in the afternoon one day about 4 years ago. I argued to the DA that it was ridiculous that the school crossing light would still be flashing at quarter till five in the afternoon and obviously it wasn’t my fault that the light hadn’t been reprogrammed yet to counter the effect of daylight savings having just ended that weekend – but I still had to go to before the judge, pay a $250 fine, attend driving class, and write an essay before they would consider the ticket taken-care-of. (Oh yes, I did actually have to write an essay on what I learned in class that day. Thank you to the Jackasses in the Centennial Traffic Court for adding that humiliating little bit of homework to my traffic trauma.)

But I digress…

I do try to be careful, because I know that stop sign is there for no other reason than the City of Centennial needs pesos. This was confirmed when, in the beginning of my meeting with Officer K the other day, he offered to simply give me a zero point, $75 no-seatbelt fine and leave it at that. I thought that sounded, if not fair, at least kind. Then he took my license, registration, and proof of insurance back to his car.

I ought to have guessed something was amiss when he didn’t come back for 25 minutes.

He approached my car with several pieces of paper, and told me that “we” had a problem… but his attempt to soften the blow wasn’t working. I knew that in truth “we” meant “me”. He couldn’t tell me what the exact cause of the problem was, but that his computers were telling him that my license had been suspended 09/02/07. So, not only could he not give me my license back, but that deal we had discussed about a no-seatbelt fine was also out the window.

I have been driving on a suspended license for just shy of a year now.

WTF? Did they finally READ the essay they made me write and decide that I didn’t get a passing grade or something?

It being Sunday, all I knew was the State of Colorado was closed and my answers weren’t going to happen that day. Husband had the joyous task of calling his boss to tell him why he couldn’t be in Phoenix for his job this week – because our kids attend a school that is 11 miles away and there has been a new law passed that says if you are caught driving a car with a suspended license they will now have the ability to impound your car with a $2500 impound fee attached. Plus, he was worried that emergency after emergency would befall the girls if Mommy couldn’t legally drive.

I only had to wait on hold for 45 minutes Monday morning before I am told that this suspension is related to a speeding ticket that I got the last week in May 2007. I’m blank. “Can you refresh some of the details for me on that?” I ask. I was caught going 33 mph in a 25 mph zone (there but for the grace of God goes every single one of you, btw) on a street near here, and the ticket had never been “taken care of”. Oh right, I’m sure I paid that. (It does not even strike me as unusual that I had forgotten this ticket. It was a pretty small deal, not like my other ticket or filing taxes or something long and drawn out... or so I had thought.) I do remember filling out my information on the back of the ticket – which was pink – and writing the check. Do I have any proof the check cleared? Ummm, nope. Now that I look though our records… I find… nothing. (Probably time to admit that I’m not the greatest record keeper on Earth, and there is a reason I’m not a CPA.) But, in my defense, I also didn’t get any notification that my license was suspended and they are supposed to send those out by certified mail. Although this information makes me feel a little bit righteous, it does nothing to advance the cause of getting my license back.

Now I have to pay the original ticket, obtain an OJW clearance form, pay for and file a Petition to Reinstate, take the written driving test in order to get a drivers permit (which I don’t have to have for any length of time, but I do have to have it in order to…), take an actual driving test – with an instructor – which I haven’t done in 27 years. I might actually be legal to drive again sometime next week. And then? I have to go to County Court in October to be punished with a 4-point violation in regards to running a stop sign, and I have to present my paperwork vis-à-vis the license suspension and most likely get fined for that also. I'm expecting at the very least the judge will be disappointed with me and will make me whither under his glare. I must appear in court, I may not settle this any other way.

So what have we learned from this fiasco? (Circle as many as you think are true)

1) That the City of Centennial is actually run by ex-priests with a funny sense of humor about secular penance?
2) That one should always use certified mail when dealing with government business so they don’t wonder if they are losing their minds when they can’t remember what happened to the paperwork and did they really ever mail it in?
3) That I probably shouldn’t have teased my husband about setting our fence on fire? (…and shouldn’t be shocked that “Hey, better you than me” came back to haunt me?)


4) That my mother (God bless her soul) now has “the powers that be” on her side, and is being rewarded by her new bff upstairs for all the times she probably should have taken her snotty daughter’s license away from her during her bratty teenaged years… but didn’t have the will to also punish herself by keeping me around the house?

I fully expect that, when I see her again someday, she’ll be all laughing and like, “That one was pretty funny, right? Come on… admit it… you deserved it!” By then? I may be able to look back on this and laugh.


Friday, August 22, 2008

OK, so I'm reading my favorite Gossip Girl today...

Miss Lainey (who rocks and you should bookmark her), and this was a link on one of her stories today: What really happens in the Olympic Village?

I wonder if parents would still push their kids so hard in sports if they knew this was going to happen? LOL! Who knew it would be good news if your kid wasn't athletic?

Friday funny...

Welcome to Friday! The last Friday of our Summer break - bittersweet in many ways. Summer went by really quickly... it always does.

So, to leave you with something funny today, who doesn't love a good blond joke? I mean, I know I have lots of friends and family who sport the golden locks, but this one is just too great. Offense? Intended. (It is me after all!)

Best Blond Joke Ever


Tuesday, August 19, 2008

It's almost time

I’ve been crying a lot this week.

Next week my youngest daughter starts kindergarten, and my mom isn’t here to hear about it. I can’t call her after I drop DD2 off and tell her how cute she looked in her new outfit and pigtails, backpack proudly in place, marching off in line with the other terrified 5 year olds. I will call Dad… but while he will delight in his own way over her first day of real school, he won’t care which ribbons she chose to have in her hair, or did we argue about her shoes, or did she look back and smile her smile at me as she walked away from me - taking the biggest steps she has yet taken so far in her little life?

Mom loved times like this. She loved hearing in detail about all the milestones in my kids’ lives, and I could hear her smile through the phone as I described all the details precisely. She was their Ammie, and she lived for these moments regarding all of her grandchildren. Already since Mom has been gone two more grandkids have graduated high school and will be moving up to college next week, one grandson has finished his college education, and now the baby of the grandkids is starting kindergarten.

That she isn’t here to share this with us is painful. I miss her still so very much, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t still ache. I do dream about her now – but in my dreams she hasn’t died after all, it didn’t really happen. She is healthy, her foot is completely healed with no signs of vascular disease, we talk about how great it is that she’s out of the hospital, and she looks really happy and healthy. (And, which should be my tip-off that I’m dreaming, she’s not one bit cranky. Imagine that.) When I wake up from these dreams I’m confused for a minute.

Which story is real?

And then I remember. And it all comes back as sharp as the first morning I woke up and she wasn’t here with us anymore. And I just miss her so much.

I know she wouldn’t miss DD2’s first day of kindergarten for anything… she’ll be with her all day making sure things go smoothly. But I’m going to miss talking to her about it. Because I’m her youngest… and I would really liked to know how she felt on my first day of kindergarten - as I walked away from her taking the biggest steps that I had yet taken so far in my little life.

It just would have been pretty cool to have been able to share that with her.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Can I get an Amen?

You know, there are some people that you just shouldn’t sue.

The Pope? Would be one of them. That’s just asking for a trip to hell. Economy class. Limited leg room. No layovers. No beverage service.

Just sayin.

See Story Here

In the spirit of the Olympics... darling Husband sent me this. Enjoy.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

In search of all things itchy

I finally broke down and visited the Butterfly Pavilion here in Denver. (Westminster, actually.) Thinking I could get over my fear of things-that-fly-at-you for an afternoon that would make the girls happy. DD1 had been there before, but DD2 had not. My niece (the lifeguard) was in town so we’d be dragging her along, and my sister joined us for the adventure.

So, how come no one ever told me that the BUTTERFLY Pavilion was filled with BUGS? Only like 25% of it is butterflies – which was creepy enough with its chrysalis wall (where the chrysalis actually twitch, gahhhhh), and the butterflies? They don’t just fly at you, they like to land on you. There is a sign there that states, “Touching the butterflies shortens their lifespan.” You know what else shortens their lifespan? Landing on me. Seriously, one of these buggers chased me for a good two minutes:
Sure, it looks pretty enough... but it is a savage and tricky tracker.

Plus? I couldn’t even walk on the beautifully landscaped walkways in there because all I could imagine was that a caterpillar was going to drop on my head and my lifeguard niece would have to administer CPR on her aging auntie. (Now, they SAY there are no caterpillars there, but come on! How are they going to control that fully, right? I imagine butterflies are like rabbits in their prolific regards to breeding.) Thank goodness Lifeguard Niece was there to handle the scary stuff, like taking the girls around the footpaths.

However, the name is misleading. What greets you at the door of the Butterfly Pavilion? THIS:
(These millipedes are like 6 inches long.)

…plus a cage of scorpions, beetles, and other crawly nightmares. So, my “oh crap, something is crawling on me” leg slapping began as soon as we walk in to the building. Then we see the “Crawlaseum”, home of many, many, too many spiders, beetles, cockroaches, ants, leaf bugs, and other nasty biting creatures. All of the sudden, I look over, and THIS is what I see…
DD1 with spider all over her. (You’ll have to imagine my stifled scream at this point.) I knew she had held the tarantula before, and that she planned to do it again… but nothing had prepared me for seeing one of the true loves of my life with a gigantic spider in her hands. Why just the other day Mrs. Kravitz had to kill a house spider in our entry way as I freaked out, and it wasn’t as large as a dime. To see my daughter holding this monster almost made my heart stop. I’m sure she was seconds away from being jailed in a giant web. Here are some other sites of the day:

OK, I have to quit blogging about this now. I’m feeling all kinds of imaginary bugs on me and it’s awful. Thus ends my first, and final trip to the Butterfly Pavilion.

In a word? Ick.

What do you mean YESTERDAY was the big day??

Happiest Belated Birthday Danielle!!! (I'm sorry I forgot to log on yesterday!) I hope your day was WONDERFUL!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Wordless Wednesday

Hottie Nephew and his sister...

Because "Hottie" nephew (cute fireman) has been making the rounds on my blog, I thought I'd show you a picture. This is him with his little sister, our favorite darling lifeguard.

Obviously their parents are doing something right - both of their kids choose lifesaving jobs for summer fun. I should be so lucky someday.

Monday, August 11, 2008

If I had to assign blame?

I’d say it started with Alton Brown… and his damn episode that got Husband thinking about meat smokers. Don’t get me wrong – usually the things Alton brings our way are delicious and a real value-add. The smoked meat was no exception. Absolutely delish. When Husband said he was going to use the smoker on a pork roast last Sunday, I was elated. The only problem (before last week) with using the meat smoker was the smoke itself, which is plentiful to say the least. Being our neighbor when Husband is using the smoker is probably akin to living downwind from The Trail Dust Steakhouse on the night they also happen to be having a bonfire in their parking lot.

Of course, I suppose even Alton might not have been able to predict what happened next.

See, after you smoke the meat and feed it to your wife (who especially likes salmon prepared this way), you have the issue of the coals to deal with. Husband is very safety conscious. When he uses the deep fryer (for our Thanksgiving turkey) or the meat smoker, he uses them in the middle of the yard so nothing will catch fire… and the hose is right there should something go wrong. He leaves the smoker in the yard overnight, and after this latest bout even left it out there while the sprinklers ran. Nothing like a little water to help douse those coals. Or, so you’d think.

Flash to Tuesday night. I got home from visiting my brother around 8:30 or 9:00pm. Smelled smoke and thought, “man, I really feel bad for the neighbors. That smell really lingers after using that smoker thing.” It really did smell like a campfire. But, you know… no big deal. The Hawthorne tree in full bloom smelled worse than that.

11:00pm Tuesday night and Husband and I are in bed. I’m not asleep yet, so when the fire engine turns up on the street next to our house I’m the first nosey neighbor to the window. “Oh, I’ll bet it’s the older gentleman who lives in that house. I think he must be sick again. Wait, they’re moving. Honey, they’re pulling into the cul-de-sac.” Husband (from the bed), “They’re probably turning around”. Me, “No, they appear to be parked”. And all of the sudden: RAP RAP RAP on our back door (which is glass, so it was loud). Husband jumps out of bed, and goes downstairs to see what’s going on.

There is a policeman in our backyard.

“What do you all keep in the flower boxes in your back yard”, he asks my husband. Husband looks up at me and all I can think is, “Nothing. The dog digs up every flower we ever plant there so we don’t use it anymore.” Husband said to the officer, “I put the coals from the smoker in there, but they were from Sunday and they were wet.”


This was the result:
This is the flower box and fence that went up in flames. (The Kravitz Estate is on the other side of that fence. You can see their grounds through the hole.)
Luckily the neighbors behind us (who are moving out and were only home that night packing up stuff) saw the flames shooting up and turned a hose on the fire after calling 911. This is an easement in our yard for the cable boxes of the surrounding homes – and it’s littered with dried pine needles, old pine cones, and some old leaves. Perfect fire fodder… and it had just started to burn as you can see. (Also notice the lattice that encloses the area had just started to burn.)

This is the other side of the flower box. Our backyard is bordered with trees. The whole perimeter of our yard is covered in dried bark – which looks very pretty and is, most likely, very flammable. The fire didn’t reach this part of the yard yet, the dark soil you see is what the firemen (who, btw, were about 25 years old and DARLING) dug out of the flower box.

(This is what the perimeter of the yard looks like. This is the part leading from the fire site up towards our side deck.)

(This is a view of our side deck – which also would have been good fire fodder.)

And this is a view of the back of our house that is attached to the back and side decks. Please notice that the house is not burned in any way – because I am convinced that someone “upstairs” was watching out for us. (Thanks Mom!!!!)

So, after the trauma of the night as we were settling back in our bed, husband turned to me and said, “I’m sorry.”

My loving, caring, empathetic, heartfelt, best-wife-in-the-world response?

“Hey, better you than me.”

Friday, August 8, 2008

Sing it with me!

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy First Birthday Baby Kravitz!
Happy Birthday to you!


We LOVE you!!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

“If you can’t be athletes, be athletic supporters!”

It's Wednesday... and we all know that means my real-time PROJECT RUNWAY recap!!

But? First can we talk about Tanboi? Apparently tanning is like heroin to the kid, and he’s going through withdrawal. He cannot shut up about it… perhaps we need a mystic tan intervention? They have the at home Mystic in a can now. Oh, the WHINING! Don’t you think he would have thought ahead and at least packed a little bronzer? He KNEW he wouldn’t be tanning, and now he’s all crybaby. Wah.

We get the requisite eye rolls when a field trip is announced, and here comes Apollo Ohno. (I’m thinking more than half of them didn’t know who he was until he was introduced.) They get to create a pretend design for the Olympic Opening Ceremonies. I’m wondering what kind of gay man Daniel is, as he has never watched the Opening Ceremony. It’s all choreography and flash – sure it’s usually a little weird, but wouldn’t that be a plus for him? It’s practically drag queens out there its so costumey. Joe, of course, is all over this challenge – reiterating for us that he is a sportswear designer, as befitting a straight man I suppose. As I remember, the outfits for the opening parade are usually sort of geek looking – but I suppose when you get hundreds of people in matching outfits even Prada might look stupid.

And we’re at Mood. Stella is using black? Tim sounds surprised. Has he not been paying attention?

Fabric fight! Rumble at Mood! “Oh no he di’nt." Oh yes, sister, he did. Alas, no Roman Greco Wrestling on the fabric cutting table. Now THAT would have been Olympic.

Back in the workroom, we find out that Joe played football. (And, therefore, is straight with a wife and children.) Daniel isn’t athletic – he went to boarding school, and is designing a cocktail dress. Because nothing screams “athlete in training” like a cocktail. Oh, and one of the mousy brown haired girls was a cheerleader. Not because she wanted to be - but because she was a dancer and gymnast. (Because being a cheerleader just to be a cheerleader is a bad thing?)

Tanboi is in agony. Get the boy some “Warmth” by Bare Essentials. STAT!

Jennifer? Is designing for Doris Day.

Korto is making a touching speech about how much America means to her. Which, really, is touching. She was a refugee, and that would leave some traumatic scars on a child. So… she is either the winner or loser tonight. No doubt about it, the gut wrenching personal history is a tell. (Not that I’m saying that the editing of this show is getting predictable.)

Here comes TIM!

Joe. Tim approves of a skort? I would have never guessed that he’d be OK with something so very middle class and mall-ish.
Tanboi. I am now officially over him. Who doesn’t know when The Beatles were popular? Asshat.*
Daniel. Tim lectures Daniel, and Daniel is also not as cute close up as I thought he was. Distance? Is his best friend.
Jerell. Is using horizontal stripes on body conscious athletes? Is he trying to encourage eating disorders during the games? Gads!
Jennifer. Tim hates her outfit. I agree with Tim.

Back in the workroom and Wow! Daniel is stepping on a lot of toes tonight. Now he’s pissing off Joe about re threading the sewing machine. Throw it down, Joe! Is it just me or does Daniel have ADND? (Attention Deficit Narcissist Disorder)

Jerell’s outfit is ridiculous, like he’s dressing his model for a polo match. Polo is athletic… but I’m so not seeing 16 year old gymnasts in this "outfit". Who are these people kidding? Have they ever seen Olympic athletes? They aren’t 6 foot tall, thin models. Some of them don’t seem to get that this is a sportswear challenge.

You know what? Stella looks a lot like Cher when she wears makeup. I’m surprised the gays don’t like her more.

Time for the runway!! Woot woot!

Guest judge is Apollo Ohno. Because he’s fabulous.

Korto: It’s a pantsuit. Modern and not fussy.
Suede: His girl looks like a cheerleader.
Kelli: Model looks like a flight attendant from 1966.
Joe: Cute USA outfit. See, is this where we get in to trouble? Will the judges like it, or throw it out because it is so “expected”?
Leanne: Uhhh… Couture tennis anyone?
Daniel: Looks like Laura from last season designed it. Except then it would have been prettier, and the right color.
Jerell: Seriously? WTF? Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. So not what they asked for.
Stella: Its OK, except for the epaulets I sort of like it. I hate that I don’t hate it.
Keith: Yeah? No. Bad skirt. More Cirque than Beijing.
Terri: I like it, but not so much the jacket. This could work though.
Jennifer: Really is Doris Day. Also? Not surreal. Isn’t that her claim to fame? This MIGHT have been considered surreal in the 1700’s. Not so much now that 1950 has come and gone.
Blayne: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I like it. Very futuristic. Pretty cool.
Kenley: Are you kidding me? Rosie the Riveter went to the Olympics?

So, Suede, Kelli, Leanne, Stella, Keith, Blayne, and Kenley are all safe. Which is a gift for some of them, trust.

Lets bring out the models…
Terri: Apollo, likes the colors. Michael, said something about a Lauren Hutton vibe. Nina, likes the versatility. Sportswear, hooray.

Jennifer: Heidi, doesn’t read as modern, Olympic or American. (Can’t have missed the challenge much more than that!) Apollo, didn’t grasp design. Nina wants to do a little psychotherapy on poor Jennifer, to help her separate herself from the designs. Prim romantic athlete does not read well. (I think she is so out.)

Joe: Heidi likes the zipper. Apollo likes that it shows off an athletic body. Michael likes the skort, but hates the length. Nina likes the sporty-ness. Literal translation of the challenge.

Daniel: Apollo, said there is nothing Olympic or athletic about it. (Apollo is correct.) Nina said there was no relevance. Heidi calls out the purple. Michael thinks she is from the Republic of Cocktail land. Just hate. Hate hate hate.

Korto: Nina, likes the fabric, would present America as a very chic team. Heidi, likes it. Apollo, very 2008, big fan of the look. Very sophisticated and they like it. (It is cool, and looks even better during this discussion than it did going down the runway.)

Jerell: Apollo said very unique, but didn’t scream athletics. Nina is puzzled. Mary had a little lamb? Michale, Bad hat. Heidi hates it. They actually laughed at this dress. Thoughtful and good fabric, but a costume.

Winner is: Korto. See, now the soliloquy makes more sense. (I’m not seeing an Emmy for Originality in Editing any time soon.)

Auffed: Jennifer! Finally. Good bye you faux-surrealist! (Now I’ll be able to keep the girls straight! We’re down to one Betti Paige, one mousy brown straight haired girl, one blond girl, and two African Americans with different hairstyles. Thank God. Am I leaving anyone out? Is there a Hispanic lesbian, or is that Shear Genius?)
Until next week PR lovers!

*quoted from Jen Lancaster. Who I wish was the Official Author of my 2008 Olympic experience – because I think she is hilarious and I would DIG it if she recapped the events.

Pictures pirated from Project Runway Auction site.

Wordless Wednesday: amazing art by Julian Beever

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Dear Miss Manners,

I am always forgetting... which spork is it that I use for the salad?

Monday, August 4, 2008


Most of the time I forget that I have a Yahoo account. I’ve had it forever, and it is the email account I give if I’m doing a survey or commenting on blogs where I don’t want them to track me down. (Yes, I do that.) Once every few months, I’ll log on to Yahoo and be greeted with a sign that tells me I have hundreds of messages. Literally, there will be 500-600 messages in my inbox, and like 1600 in my “junk mail”. (Where the spam filter has stored them. It automatically deletes them after a month, so that number is frightening.)

The Yahoo Spam filter is probably a fairly powerful model, since 2/3+ of the junk is getting filtered out. Wanna know what this massive Spam filter didn’t catch?

A note to tell me that my $1000 Victoria’s Secret gift card is awaiting my personal information.

27 notices that my credit score has been updated. How they know this is BEYOND me,

13 different notices, from various email accounts, asking me if I’d like to be the world’s next millionaire.

Several emails offering me Visa credit, in unlimited amounts. All I have to do is send them some personal information…. Yada yada yada.

Several additional emails telling me my new Visa card has already arrived! The highest limit “given” to me during this round is $7500. Come on, tricksters, you can do better than that!

Offers of Nursing Degrees, Medical Transcription certificates, and one even proclaiming I can attend med school online. Sign! Me! Up!

Notice of my $1000 Target gift card arriving.

16 notices that I can make a regular income from anywhere, along with 4 emails that tell me I can specifically do this from home. (Note: wouldn’t “anywhere” be better than just “home”? I mean, really?)

Lots of updates from Oriental Trading – which I actually remember signing up to get and will appreciate getting around the holidays when, as room mother, there are craft kits to be purchased.

2 emails informing me that I am going to receive a new Blackberry… all I need to do is confirm information for shipping. (from two distinctly different charlatans, I might add.)

Numerous personal notes from Jessica Peterson, letting me know how I can earn money online. Also some notes from Jessica about encouraging growth in my manhood. Obviously, we’re good friends.

Easy Google Profit! Sent to my Yahoo address? Call me skeptical.

Many offers of Federal Grants. I’m thinking of applying to get a federal grant to study how, by sending me thousands of emails every month, the spammers are actually taking a green approach and helping fight global warming by reducing the amount of ACTUAL junk mail I receive in a months time. Because these spammers? They are all about doing good.

A message from “Arcadia Tidwell” titled: Fwd: Hi vupiker
Who is Arcadia Tidwell, and how dare she call me Vupiker! That nickname is reserved for only my closest amigos.

A handful of messages from “Naughty or Nice” offering me loads of singles hookups. Because happily married women are a good candidate for this kind of advertising?

One notice of need for a Medieval Transcriptionist. Sounds like my interest in Art and Religious History precedes me. Or more likely? Someone in Pakistan needs a new spell checker.

Hey, here is something new! I can make money by clicking online ads. Who knew it could be so easy? And I’ll be I can do this from anywhere… not just home!

Loretta Hollingsworth sent me an email titled: you want me to do for you.
(No, Loretta, I don’t. And I’m not clicking this email.)

rodriquezj at icahnhouse dot org writes
: “Look me up sometime.” I don’t even want to know.

Plus, it looks like on any day of the week I can:

Reinvent my life for fun and profit! (it’s the “profit” part that has me wondering.)

Increase my bustline! (Again, they know me too well!)

Buy a house in Oregon! (yes, it specifically states OREGON.)

Brighten my mother’s day with an e-card! (This is just insensitive.)

Discover the income of friends and neighbors! (I’m only curious about a few of you.)

Buy diamonds for pennies on the dollar! (I’m intrigued.)

Find my ideal weight! (Because this is some tricky information to locate.)

Get discount prescriptions from the PHARMBACY! (English, people. ENGLISH)

...and last, but certainly not least…

Buy Viagra for a fraction of the original cost. (I’m sure this is the good stuff.)

So kids, what we can learn here is that if you’re having financial, medical, vocational, intellectual, locational, or retail problems… the answer can be found in your inbox. Please remember to click responsibly.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

So. Much. Fun.

I can't believe I almost didn't see this movie. I thought I'd be rolling my eyes the entire time... boy was I wrong! I laughed (a LOT), I cried (only during one scene, although it seems our whole coven saw me), and I smiled a ton. Truly one of the best movies I have seen in a long while... not because it has a great message, or because it will change your perspective of the world, or even that it is such a great plot. It is just an excellent "feel good movie". How they work in the songs is hilarious, the actors are delightful to watch, it is a pretty movie to look at, and just charming in its entirety. I will own this one when it comes out on DVD, and cannot wait to see it again. Just watching the trailer makes me smile and remember how much fun this movie was to see.

You must see this movie with at least one friend in tow. Giggling is part of the tremendous fun of the experience!

Friday, August 1, 2008

Really not much going on lately

As summer comes to a close I need to plan some activities we haven't gotten to yet. There are two movies the girls want to see, a trip to the zoo, a trip to a water park (Friday. Wahoo!)

I know I seem focused on Project Runway right now, but that is because I am. Focused. On Project Runway. Since there is no Big Love this summer I have to obsess about this instead.

My kids haven't said or done anything remarkably funny lately, my husband is being normal, and the golf lessons are going fine. I can't decide if I like the game yet... but if I do I have decided that my signature color for golf is going to be pink. (Watch as Husband rolls his eyes!)

I did find out recently that Husband reads my blog. Which sort of surprised me, because he's not at all a blog reader and because he hates to listen to me drone on and on. (And really? Isn't that what blogging is?) I kind of like that he cares what I have to say, and if it is easier to read than to listen to - - well who am I to complain? This man, who is fine with me going to an Uppercase Living party next weekend and spending untold amounts of money on something he hasn't a clue about, is pretty wonderful to care enough to bookmark me. (As long as it isn't handbags they sell he's OK. Any more purses and I'm in trouble!)

I've decided that I'm not going to be reviewing the book on Madonna after all. Truth be told, I don't find her that fascinating and I don't really want to give him any more money from the book sale. I mean, who rats out their sibling? (You know, to the entire world... I understand just ratting them out to other siblings!!)

So, in lieu of any good blogging ideas, I simply wish you "Have a good weekend!"