Get a cup of coffee, this is a long one...

Diary of a Bridesmaid: Day One (Thursday)

(Our adventure to the Great State of TX starts on Thursday, June 7th)
It’s 6:00am and we’re on the road! Right on time… Husband is deliriously happy. Took my shower last night, which helped with the timeline, but that mystic tan I did yesterday still making my skin smell funny. (Note to self; only natural tanning in the tanning salon for me in the future. Spray on stuff smells bad. Do you think Husband notices?)

Holy Cow, it’s 9:00am, and we’re already in Trinidad! Only one Starbucks in town, and it’s in a Safeway. Go figure… the town that pioneered gender correction surgery and the gays have no decent Starbucks to gather in.

10:30am. Starting to get a little tired of the car… but we’re through Colorado and almost through New Mexico. Landscape starting to get a little bleak. I hope Texas is more exciting than this.

11:00am. Hey, it’s my brother’s birthday today! Better text him so he doesn’t think I forgot.

Lunchtime. Rundown Subway restaurant in the middle of nowhere. While on a visit to the restroom – which we insisted the girls visited every single time we stopped – Annie looks up at me from her “perch” and states: “I’m going to have a safe and logical summer.” (Wha?)

1:30pm. Texas is, ummm, a whole lotta boring.

2:00pm. WHAT DO YOU MEAN AMARILLO IS STILL 234 MILES AWAY? Half an hour ago it was only 200 miles away. Is there some sort of mileage vortex in this god-forsaken state that makes you drive forward yet travel backwards?

4:00pm. STILL not in Amarillo. Oh My God. Starting to wonder if there aren’t evil forces at work.

5:00pm. Oh for the love of GOD, Texas is big. I’m not writing again until we’re almost there.

7:49pm. Just finished dinner in Wichita Falls. We finally managed to sling shot past Amarillo, and made excellent time getting here. (Seems like the time / mileage vortex only exists between the state line and Amarillo.) Here, to the only diner that we could find – which seems to do a great local business. (I’m guessing that you get to be the big business in town when you’re the ONLY business in town.) We were hoping for an Outback, or some sort of TX steakhouse. Instead we settled for BLT’s and chips.

9:30ish. (really, closer to 10pm) Waco Texas. GOOD LORD it’s humid here! Making my mystic tanned skin smell even worse. Husband must notice the smell by now that only appears when I am in view. God Bless Him, hasn’t even scrunched up his nose. I love that man. He has booked us in to the Hilton, which at least means comfy beds with good pillows. Yea!

I think I have never been this tired.

Ever.

Diary of a Bridesmaid: Day Two (Friday)

Ahhhh, the kids sort of slept in today – and husband took them swimming to give me some quiet time to wake up and unpack. Love that man! Not much to do during the day. Bride is off getting mani / pedi. She assures me there is nothing for us to do until that evening. I thought we’d be decorating the back yard with lights… hmmm. My chaotic sense is tingling! Not a good idea to leave everything to the last day on a do-it-yourself wedding, but maybe it’s just me.

Took the husband and the girls shopping in downtown Waco. Lunch. Then a trip to the Dr. Pepper Museum. (Didn’t even know there WAS a Dr. Pepper Museum did you?) Bought some original dr. pepper – the kind with cane sugar instead of nasty high fructose corn syrup. How soda used to be made. I want my empty calories to be natural, damn it.

This evening we attend the rehearsal dinner. M.S. (friend of the bride) is cooking several different meats in the smoker – and this means dinner will be DELISH. I love it when he cooks. Husband gets to meet the gays. (Susan’s gays. She is a bit of a fag hag – draws them like fruit flies to bananas. Love those boys!) Anyway, Main Gay adores my husband. Can’t believe I married someone so handsome. I’m loving this. Did he seriously think I would marry someone ordinary? Has he not met me? Also, Main Gay just bought the exact Jeep that husband has been wanting. Hmmmmm. A little psychic chemistry between my two favorite boys?
Rehearsal goes off well.

Have I mentioned how hot and humid it is here? Good lord, damp is one thing but full on spray mist wet with humidity should be outlawed.

Also, everyone in Texas smokes. ick.

Diary of a Bridesmaid: Day Three (Saturday)

She’s getting married today! And… today is the day I have to put on “the dress”. God help me.
Truth be told, the day is sort of a cluster f#ck. Too much not already done, too much still to do. Thank God she has a wedding organizer that is part angel, part General Patton.

Bridesmaid lunch (have you ever tried an orange/cranberry mimosa? Oh Good Lord – I’ll be havin me some more of that please!). 3 (or 4) mimosas later (with some appetizers of course) and we’re all in the mood to go back to bride’s house and work on our bouquets and the table centerpieces. What’s that? You want the drunkish girls to also make the corsages and boutonnieres? No Problemo! (Oh yes, they were kind of ugly. Wedding Coordinator fixed them up I noticed later that evening.)

Time to go back to the hotel and get ready for the big night.

*****
We arrive back at the house for pictures around 6:30. (Pictures were supposed to start at 6:00, but I happen to know that the other bridesmaids are just as punctually challenged as I am so I’m not worried.

Should have worried. Am last bridesmaid to arrive. However – bride is still getting dressed and hasn’t even gotten her deodorant on yet. Phew. It’s going to be OK.

Pictures taken. Bride had to have hair re-done after pictures because of excruciating humidity. I hate my dress, but my daughters look DARLING. My hair is tweaking out really badly. (…have I mentioned that TX is more than a little humid?)

Wedding goes off without a hitch. Well, at least no one fell. They wrote their own vows (which, actually, I’m never a big fan of), and bride managed to keep the forehead sweat to a minimum. I cried. And cried. And cried. But I did not sob, just sniffled a lot.

Got to hold on to groomsman’s arm on the way back up to the house from ceremony. Darn good thing too, because I’m not so sure I could have negotiated that backyard again solo on my 4 inch heels.

Reception was pretty common. The Gays? LOVE the way my husband looks in a suit. Remark again about how handsome he is. Tell him to treat me right. Then they invite us to come down for the commitment ceremony between Main Gay and his Partner. We’d love to! (Daughters are not invited. What do Gays have against the cutest flower girls in the universe anyway?) I? Think they just want another viewing of Husband in a suit.

By 11:30pm we’re home (Hello Hilton, who will also “leave the lights on for you” by the way). Husband goes down to the bar to buy us a nightcap, I tuck the girls in, and as Husband and I snuggle under the sheets we giggle about the “country club meets the trailer park” wedding that is now just a wonderfully sweaty memory.

Have I mentioned yet either the heat or the humidity?

Diary of a Bridesmaid: Day Four (Sunday)

Day after the wedding. I need more sleep!

We head over to bride and groom’s house to see end of present opening. Visit with everyone. Admit to people who ask yes I have, in fact, been tanning. I managed to get in 3 tanning sessions and one mystic tan before leaving town for the wedding. (In case you’ve never mystic tanned before, it’s a pain to get “right”, you smell “starchy” until your second shower – but it truly is a golden tan. Be sure to mystic 2 days before your event, if only for the smell alone.) Said goodbye to the bride, groom, family, friends. Promised to return to Waco soon. (Although, I can guarantee next time it will be on an airplane!)

Took daughters swimming after lunch. Lovely pool, very cold water which felt wonderful. (Because, did I mention yet that it’s hot and humid in Texas?) Find a charming restaurant downtown to have dinner, and it’s “home” to the hotel for an early bedtime. Movies in bed in a comfy hotel. Vacation rest!

Diary of a Bridesmaid: Day Five (Monday)

Breakfast at the hotel (since Husband stays at Hilton so often our family gets free breakfast in the restaurant every morning, so we take full advantage), and we’re on the road. (at a modest 9:30ish)

Drive to Amarillo. Pretty uneventful. Pool is filthy, won’t let daughters swim. They are BITTER about it.
Staying in the Fairfield Inn Amarillo. Word of advice: don’t. The rooms are TINY, and as I stated before, the pool is filthy.

Diary of a Bridesmaid: Day Six (Tuesday)

Did I mention that the girls have dress rehearsal for their dance recital on Wednesday? And that if they miss dress rehearsal they cannot, under any circumstances, be in the recital?

Cue the car breaking down this morning. In Amarillo.

Thank God for OnSTAR. Turns out only to be a completely dead battery, Meineke (I have no idea how that is spelled) gets us on the road about 3 hours later, thus keeping me from renting a car in order to get back to Denver on time and spending even more money. (I’m not kidding – the girls and I were GETTING HOME, and leaving Husband in God Forsaken Amarillo to deal with the mechanic issues.)

For the record, it takes just a long to get from Amarillo to the state line as the other way around. What is the DEAL with that?

We roll in to Denver the evening of Tuesday. Oh, it is good to be home.

In conclusion
It was an EXHAUSTING 6 days. But, my dear friend is married, and we were there for it. I love her! I hope she is eternally happy in her marriage to Steve!

And… here is something you’ve all been waiting for: A picture of me in the “the dress”.
We call this picture “Really classy bridesmaids at a hot Texas wedding.” Enjoy.