I’ve been crying a lot this week.
Next week my youngest daughter starts kindergarten, and my mom isn’t here to hear about it. I can’t call her after I drop DD2 off and tell her how cute she looked in her new outfit and pigtails, backpack proudly in place, marching off in line with the other terrified 5 year olds. I will call Dad… but while he will delight in his own way over her first day of real school, he won’t care which ribbons she chose to have in her hair, or did we argue about her shoes, or did she look back and smile her smile at me as she walked away from me - taking the biggest steps she has yet taken so far in her little life?
Mom loved times like this. She loved hearing in detail about all the milestones in my kids’ lives, and I could hear her smile through the phone as I described all the details precisely. She was their Ammie, and she lived for these moments regarding all of her grandchildren. Already since Mom has been gone two more grandkids have graduated high school and will be moving up to college next week, one grandson has finished his college education, and now the baby of the grandkids is starting kindergarten.
That she isn’t here to share this with us is painful. I miss her still so very much, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t still ache. I do dream about her now – but in my dreams she hasn’t died after all, it didn’t really happen. She is healthy, her foot is completely healed with no signs of vascular disease, we talk about how great it is that she’s out of the hospital, and she looks really happy and healthy. (And, which should be my tip-off that I’m dreaming, she’s not one bit cranky. Imagine that.) When I wake up from these dreams I’m confused for a minute.
Which story is real?
And then I remember. And it all comes back as sharp as the first morning I woke up and she wasn’t here with us anymore. And I just miss her so much.
I know she wouldn’t miss DD2’s first day of kindergarten for anything… she’ll be with her all day making sure things go smoothly. But I’m going to miss talking to her about it. Because I’m her youngest… and I would really liked to know how she felt on my first day of kindergarten - as I walked away from her taking the biggest steps that I had yet taken so far in my little life.
It just would have been pretty cool to have been able to share that with her.