Yahoo!!!!!

Most of the time I forget that I have a Yahoo account. I’ve had it forever, and it is the email account I give if I’m doing a survey or commenting on blogs where I don’t want them to track me down. (Yes, I do that.) Once every few months, I’ll log on to Yahoo and be greeted with a sign that tells me I have hundreds of messages. Literally, there will be 500-600 messages in my inbox, and like 1600 in my “junk mail”. (Where the spam filter has stored them. It automatically deletes them after a month, so that number is frightening.)

The Yahoo Spam filter is probably a fairly powerful model, since 2/3+ of the junk is getting filtered out. Wanna know what this massive Spam filter didn’t catch?

A note to tell me that my $1000 Victoria’s Secret gift card is awaiting my personal information.

27 notices that my credit score has been updated. How they know this is BEYOND me,

13 different notices, from various email accounts, asking me if I’d like to be the world’s next millionaire.

Several emails offering me Visa credit, in unlimited amounts. All I have to do is send them some personal information…. Yada yada yada.

Several additional emails telling me my new Visa card has already arrived! The highest limit “given” to me during this round is $7500. Come on, tricksters, you can do better than that!

Offers of Nursing Degrees, Medical Transcription certificates, and one even proclaiming I can attend med school online. Sign! Me! Up!

Notice of my $1000 Target gift card arriving.

16 notices that I can make a regular income from anywhere, along with 4 emails that tell me I can specifically do this from home. (Note: wouldn’t “anywhere” be better than just “home”? I mean, really?)

Lots of updates from Oriental Trading – which I actually remember signing up to get and will appreciate getting around the holidays when, as room mother, there are craft kits to be purchased.

2 emails informing me that I am going to receive a new Blackberry… all I need to do is confirm information for shipping. (from two distinctly different charlatans, I might add.)

Numerous personal notes from Jessica Peterson, letting me know how I can earn money online. Also some notes from Jessica about encouraging growth in my manhood. Obviously, we’re good friends.

Easy Google Profit! Sent to my Yahoo address? Call me skeptical.

Many offers of Federal Grants. I’m thinking of applying to get a federal grant to study how, by sending me thousands of emails every month, the spammers are actually taking a green approach and helping fight global warming by reducing the amount of ACTUAL junk mail I receive in a months time. Because these spammers? They are all about doing good.

A message from “Arcadia Tidwell” titled: Fwd: Hi vupiker
Who is Arcadia Tidwell, and how dare she call me Vupiker! That nickname is reserved for only my closest amigos.

A handful of messages from “Naughty or Nice” offering me loads of singles hookups. Because happily married women are a good candidate for this kind of advertising?

One notice of need for a Medieval Transcriptionist. Sounds like my interest in Art and Religious History precedes me. Or more likely? Someone in Pakistan needs a new spell checker.

Hey, here is something new! I can make money by clicking online ads. Who knew it could be so easy? And I’ll be I can do this from anywhere… not just home!

Loretta Hollingsworth sent me an email titled: you want me to do for you.
(No, Loretta, I don’t. And I’m not clicking this email.)

rodriquezj at icahnhouse dot org writes: “Look me up sometime.” I don’t even want to know.

Plus, it looks like on any day of the week I can:

Reinvent my life for fun and profit! (it’s the “profit” part that has me wondering.)

Increase my bustline! (Again, they know me too well!)

Buy a house in Oregon! (yes, it specifically states OREGON.)

Brighten my mother’s day with an e-card! (This is just insensitive.)

Discover the income of friends and neighbors! (I’m only curious about a few of you.)

Buy diamonds for pennies on the dollar! (I’m intrigued.)

Find my ideal weight! (Because this is some tricky information to locate.)

Get discount prescriptions from the PHARMBACY! (English, people. ENGLISH)

...and last, but certainly not least…

Buy Viagra for a fraction of the original cost. (I’m sure this is the good stuff.)

So kids, what we can learn here is that if you’re having financial, medical, vocational, intellectual, locational, or retail problems… the answer can be found in your Yahoo.com inbox. Please remember to click responsibly.