I think he's 1 in a million... but I can't actually prove that to y'all. I do, however, now have medical proof that he is One in One Thousand.
My DARLING husband had a vasectomy 4 years ago. 3 weeks ago I found out - the hard way - that it had failed. See, I've been having problems with an ovarian cyst for a while now, and was in for another u/s on it when the doctor asked me when the date of my last period was.
Me: Ummm, wow - I guess it was the first week in January.
Dr.: Have you taken a pregnancy test?
Me: No. Why would I?
Dr.: Because you missed your period, and you are having all the classic symptoms of pregnancy?
Me: Huh? No. My husband had a vasectomy 3 or 4 years ago. Besides, I'm not pregnant. I'd know if I was pregnant. I'm 43 years old, and I am NOT pregnant. My hormones are off because of the cyst. I couldn't be more sure that I'm not pregnant.
Dr.: OK, let's take a look.
Dr. starts the u/s, and lo and behold, see's an empty sac inside my uterus. (It was a blighted ovum... which is an egg that has been fertilized but fails to develop.) When I saw the empty sac I just looked at my dr. and was like, "If you tell me I'm pregnant I'm going to kick you." Dr. moves to the side away from my feet and tells me, "Well, now wait a second. I do see a sac, but it is empty. I don't see a baby, and I don't see a heartbeat which we would by now if your last period was beginning of January. We'll do some tests to see what is going on, but I'd say there is only a very very slight chance that you have a baby in there."
I did urine test in the office, and there were the results. Pregnant. I started to cry. Not that we wouldn't have gotten used to the idea... but you know how it is - we resigned ourselves to no more babies 4 years ago. Even if Dr. is sure there is nothing there... Oh My God. Pregnant? How?
I held myself together pretty well until I get out to my car, at which point I begin to hyperventilate and must find a friend to vent this out too. Mrs. Nielson wins the friendship lottery that day as I whip out my cell phone and start looking through my contacts, and she talks me through the initial shock enough so I can drive over and get my first round of blood tests done. (Note: All follow up blood tests showed falling hcg levels, confirming no baby actually developing.) When I got home my husband asks how my appt. was. "Do you want the bad news about ME? Or the bad news about YOU???" is my response. After I told him the news my husband was all, "Well, I guess that explains why you've been sleeping for a month." (He did also feel bad that he seems to have superhuman sperm mobility... but that might be another blog.) Ahh, yes. I have been awfully tired, and my boobs hurt, and I've been really bitchy and grouchy and "off". I cannot believe that neither of us thought I was pregnant, it just wasn't even something that was on our radar. I had already decided that I would just let the miscarriage happen naturally - since there was no emotional pain this time it would be just physical and although I knew it would be uncomfortable I thought "I can deal with that."
Ummm, yea. No.
As soon as the "morning sickness" (read: afternoon sickness which was bizarrely between 2 and 3:30 each day) kicked in the next week I was done. DONE. How did my body NOT realize that it wasn't really pregnant? I'm like some sort of fertility goddess at this point... and I really have no idea of how long this would have gone on - because when the doctor happened to mention that it tends to be more painful and there tends to be a lot bigger blood loss the longer your body goes without miscarrying, I basically said, "Sign me up. And, while I'm there you might as well tie my tubes."
So on March 27th I had a little surgery. Dr. also removed my ovarian cyst - which was actually big enough that he thought he might have to go in eventually and get it... so he saved me another trip to the hospital.
Now I just have a couple blood tests and some basic follow-up on my 4 little incisions and it's done.
Oh, and Husband MAY have to get his little procedure done again just for good measure. I'm not sure just having my tubes tied will hold back his Super Swimmers for long! (Besides, he might need a little bit of pain for my trouble?)
And? I have discovered that Vicodan is really a wonderful invention.