I'm confused

So, DD1's teacher just called. She said she was calling to tell me that everything was fine, that DD1 is doing great, and that she loves having her in class this year. (I'm thinking, "Wow, how nice that she called just to tell me how much she likes my daughter!")

But then she told me that there was an "incident" last week where DD1 was crying because one of the other girls in class wouldn't play with her at recess, and they had been trying to work on it. (DD1 never even mentioned it, and she usually tells me when she's had a tough day and what caused it. Not in great detail, but I usually get something.) Teacher also mentioned that DD1 was very bright, and sometimes along with that there is great sensitivity.

Why am I expecting to be contacted by the school psychologist next?

Again, it's brilliant!

This is so funny. Tina Fey is a genius.

Project Runway: The Muzak of Fashion

Previously on project runway… It’s the get a job challenge… and Joe loses again. Just like what really happened when I watched it last week. No matter how many times I watch that episode, that outfit never seems to work for him.

We begin this episode with the neurosis in the apartment shots: Suede thinks Suede is in trouble, Leanne thinks it would be fun to have all girls – but that Jerrell is probably going to make it… you know.

This week, during model selection, Kenley takes Joe’s old model (because Topacio is fun to say), and Leanne turns in to the competitive bitch we all knew was inside that mousy little white girl. She steals Suede’s model! Suede is angry. There were three unpaid models sent home this week.

This week’s challenge? To design a look for each other.
Suede designs for Jerrell. Which, unless he goes for something Scottish, will involve PANTS. Suede? Does not do pants. Uh-oh. I’d love to see him try to talk Jerrell into a purple Pucci-esque frock!!
Kenley designs for Leanne. Wonder how Leanne will look as Rosie The Riveter?
Korto designs for Suede. She’ll do great.
Jerrell designs for Kenley. He’ll make her look fabulous.
Leanne designs for Korto. This might be interesting!

Twist! The look has to be inspired by a specific musical genre. Explore the connection of music to fashion.

Kenley’s genre is Pop. Not big band?
Suede’s genre is punk. Korto got the right guy for this one. I actually think I would like to be her right now – she could totally win this. Punk? Slam Dunk.
Korto is Country. HAHAHAHA
Leanne is Hip Hop. BWAAA HAHAHA.
Jerrell is Rock and Roll. That so fits.

Hour to meet. $150 to spend at Mood, and until 1am to finish.

Kenley is going to make high-wasted jeans for hip hop? What?

Suede is NOT going to do an 80’s rock look? Why not. What the hell does he think he is going to look like himself? Punk is 80’s. He should go CRAZY with the rock and roll. Korto is OVER Kenley. And? I cannot wait to see Korto country!

Off to Mood, and Tim hates Kenley’s print. Kenley? Is a bitch to Tim. How does he not hit her?

THANK YOU, Mood!!!!

Back at the workroom, 12 hours left in the day.
Leanne is going to make Korto look like she’s presenting at the CMA’s… and for Leanne’s hip hop look Kenley is doing a leather jacket and high waist pants. She doesn’t like to make pants… does she not get that she shouldn’t do either of those? For Gods sake, girl… I have one word for you. HOODIE. So Hip Hop. What idiot doesn’t immediately picture a hoodie when thinking of HipHopGirl? Put it with a little low rise denim mini, crazy shoes… you know… hip hop. But for Gods sake, Kenley… don’t put her in high waist pants. You’ll be laughed off the runway.

Jerrell would love to three-pete. Don’t blame him. He’s actually going to make Kenley look very cute, she is a cute girl.

Suede is a classically trained cellist? I would have never guessed that.

Korto has just invoked the name of Jesus for the win!! You go girl!

Suede has never done rock before… but when he worked at Jordache he dressed Xtina, Britney, Destiny’s Child… so “this shouldn’t be such a far stretch.” Right. Because Jerrell clearly has a vagina.

Korto is now sporting cowboy boots. She’s so funny. I had no idea she had a personality. I wish she laughed more.

Kenley is going to try on the pop garment. Hey, she look good.

4 Hours To End of Day, and in comes TIM! Again this week, I’m not going to focus on what Tim actually says. I’m going to focus on what I think Tim wants to say:

“Jerrell? I’d actually like to see YOU in this pop-star outfit. How about you sneak up to my place later on? Because I think I could help you figure out how to insert MORE in to this outfit.”

“Leanne? Nobody is going to fall for this. You need to put sequined musical notes up the side of that sarong, slap her on the ass, and call her Dolly.”

“Korto! Why hold back? It’s Suede, put it on him and rip it off for authenticity. The man talks about himself in the third person – annihilate him!”

“Sooo, how’s Suede? My furrowed brow should tell you that you should make Jerrell look sexier than that. He is a sexy, sexy man. Show us his paramount sexy body.”

“Hi Kenley. Pretend you’re a designer and talk me through your design. I’m not getting the whole fitted thing… and where, for the love of God, is the hoodie? You know you’ll lose without the hoodie. Furthermore, discontinue talking down to me you pretentious little bitch. I have lint on my bathroom rug with more style than your garments, and you DARE to take that tone with me? I’m ready to throw you off a precipitous cliff. That’s all.”

EVERYONE is listening in as Tim takes Kenley down. LOVING IT!

(Tim’s visit is always my favorite part of the show!)

Wow! Kenley is in LOVE with those pants on Leanne, but do those pants look a bit ill-fitting? Korto is precious when she’s talking about Kenley! She and Jerrell are really a lot of fun tonight. The look on their faces as they assure Kenley that she is headed in the right direction for hip hop! I especially love that Korto is upping the ante with chemical warfare by using bleach fumes to throw off the game of the other designers. Brilliant!

The next morning? Suede and Kenley are very confidant, which I’m guessing will prove to be their kiss of death. Maybe they’ll both get kicked out?

So, the designers are finishing up their costumes outfits when Tim announces they have one hour to get all done up and ready to strut. “Thanks (for nothing), Tim” they all mutter. Kenley makes a statement about some bunching in the crotch, but that she didn’t think the judges would notice. BWAAHAHAHAH! The judges live for that kind of shit, they love to call out a bad crotch on the runway, hasn’t she noticed that before? Girl is sunk! Jerrell, who Kenley is relying on for hip hop advice (obviously because he’s black) is cracking me up. He’s messing with her something fierce and she totally isn’t getting it. I still cannot believe she didn’t make a hoodie. They all look great made up, except for Leanne. What’s with the horizontal bangs? Is that supposed to look like some sort of hair visor?

RUNWAY!!
Oh Holy Mother of God, LL Cool J is the guest judge!!!! Ha Ha Ha Kenley! You might as well pack now.

Leanne: sends Korto down the runway in pink satin, black skirt, and gold accents. Actually looks OK. Not great, but it is country. The skirt is a touch long.

Jerrell: sends Kenley down the runway as Kenley Spears. He did a great job, that outfit is perfect for a pop star.

Kenley: sends Leanne down the runway as… well… as some sort of badly dressed freak. There is still no hoodie, and no possible win for Kenley. Wow, that is bad. (Kenley also said that Leanne looks like a big, fat poseur. What did she expect? Leanne is Wonder Bread at it’s finest, she cannot do black girl attitude. Never.Gonna.Happen.)

Korto: sends Suede down the runway and he looks so dead on Punk! Oh holy cow, he’s faultless. Flawlessly resembling the guys I hated in high school. Korto rocks this one completely. Suede played it up so well.

Suede: sends Jerrell down the runway as a very cool rock guy. Somewhat calm for rock standards, could have dirtied it up or glammed it up… but it’s there. Jerrell does look like rock.


Time for the snarky massacre judging!

(Kenley just realized that she is screwed.)

Korto:
They love this. LL thinks it has energy. Nina thinks the pants are fab. Michael actually likes the design and fit in general.

Suede:
Michael thinks the vest is cool, but pants are expected. LL doesn’t think it is accessorized properly, Nina thinks it needs more drama, Heidi thinks Jerrell looks like he wore his own clothes.

Jerrell:
Nina, thinks it is great. Loves it! Heidi questions not having a bra, although LL seems to like this aspect of the outfit. He also likes the amount of skin showing. Michael likes it.

Kenley:
Heidi asks (in a horrified voice) “What happened to the pants?” “Those are probably the most unflattering pants I have ever seen in my life.” (And she thought they wouldn’t notice!) LL hates the jeans and that it’s not hip hop. Kenley fights back, and Nina diplomatically steps in, which I have never seen her do before. Go Nina. Michael thinks it is garish. (Is no one going to mention the lack of a hoodie?)

Leanne:
Nina thinks it doesn’t go far enough. Heidi thinks the skirt makes Korto look very nice. LL doesn’t think he’d notice this was Country if he didn’t see the boots (LL is wrong, btw), and Michael thinks she could have pushed it a little farther without being trite.

WINNER: KORTO! I love that she won.

Auffed: Suede? Are you kidding me? It wasn’t a great garment – but the wrong choice this week. I don’t like Suede's designs any more than any of you – and he doesn’t deserve to go to Bryant Park… but Kenley was the loser this week. By far. She got the judges to feel sorry for her somehow. That was a pity save. For the record, Kenley? THIS is hip hop:

It's like Gary Trudeau lives in my house...

What a great idea!

I saw this on Vern's blog - and think it's a fabulous idea. If you have any funny blog entries you should forward them to see if you can help out!

The idea is from "Navel Gazing at it's Finest", and it's called The Blog Book. The hope is to raise money for the Nielson family. Here is the story:
On Saturday, August 16, 2008, Stephanie Nielson
was in a plane crash with her husband,
Christian Nielson, and his flight instructor,
Doug Kinneard, near St. Johns, Arizona. Doug Kinneard
passed away soon after arriving at the
Maricopa County Hospital.

Christian & Stephanie remain in critical condition at
Maricopa Burn Center. Christian has sustained
burns on over 30% of his body. His wife Stephanie’s
body was burned over 80%.

Christian and Stephanie have 4 small children, and I think it is absolutely amazing that so many people are reaching out to help them. Please join in. You can read more about NieNie Recovery Here.

I do miss her so much!

Next week it will be 5 months since mom died.

I can’t say it is “easier” now. The sadness is there, perhaps even more prevalent now that the shock has subsided. But it doesn’t slam me from out of nowhere nearly as often. I still cry, but not every day. I’m overly tired and not sleeping peacefully through the night most nights, but at least her dying isn’t usually the very first thought when I open my eyes in the morning. Having to get the kids ready for school helps with that aspect.

Things are continuing to hit me harder than they normally would; I feel zapped emotionally and don’t deal with stressful situations well. Even things like paying the bills or dealing with paperwork can be daunting and overly stressful. Instead of taking care of these sorts of necessities I tend to avoid things that can feel complicated. Some days I don’t answer the phone. I suppose I don’t have enough emotional energy “banked” these days, and the sadness can be quite draining.

Am I depressed? Probably. But appropriately so considering the time it’s been. I know that I will always be sad that my mom has died. Always. In 25 years it will still hit me once in a while. I accept that. I know that eventually I will have to define a new normal and not let my grief be center stage whenever it wants, and there have been a few weeks where I have actually dealt with life pretty well. Getting some of the housework done, getting the bills paid – but most of the time, when a wave comes and the sadness washes over me, I still let it take me where it will. I just let it. I’m not willing to control that yet.

DD2 will be going to Disneyland with my sister next Wednesday. Mom died four days after DD1 went to Disneyland with my sister last spring. I guess I’m still thinking in terms of “before” and “after”, but it’s only been five months.

I find myself reminding myself often that it’s only been five months.

This kid is going to change the world!

I think this is amazing - that someone so young will impact the world forever. You have to read this... hopefully this is the dawn of a new era.

Changing the World

A new take on mom saying, "Get a JOB!"

We open saying farewell to Terri and Blayne again. FAREWELL. Blayne can go tan and Terri can go do whatever it is Terri does that might bring happiness back in to her life. Bitter much, honey?


Shot of the apartments in the morning. Suede has "low flow" hair.* Leanne cracks a joke about making evening gowns for infants, and Kenley truly does not get why she didn't win with the hideous fabric topiary last week. Really, Kenley?


We all meet again in the runway room, and here comes Heidi! And... Here come the Moms! Jerrell makes a comment about "Clearly these are mothers, but I don't think they're Korto's or mine..." Is that profiling? Is that really where we want to go?


And... out walk the daughters. Apparently these daughters have recently graduated college, moving back home in the process. These moms want their daughters to get a JOB so they can move out of the house. They're not saying it, but I know what is going on. (Hey! Isn't that one mom, Nancy, the mom from Hairspray? The one John Travolta tried to play?)


The designers get 30 minutes to conference with mother and daughter, and $100 to spend at Mood. Joe is going on about how you can't please both the mother and the daughter at the same time, showing how he has never really understood mothers and perhaps will need therapy after he is kicked off of the show. Which I predict will be this week, because either he or Suede need to go soon. Kenley's girl LOVES vintage, and reminds Kenley of Kenley. We can now just call her Kenley Jr. Right out of the gate Jerrell "gets" his girl. It is looking good for both Kenley and Jerrell, but I'm pulling for Jerrell. Leanne gets a teacher. Her mom has a lot of opinions, but should trust Leanne. Mousy is as mousy does, after all. Suede gets a daughter that is a photographer. She needs pants. (I will vouch for this.... you do have to get in some less than flattering positions to get the shot sometimes. She's right, you need pants.) Joe is designing for a girl who will be interviewing for graphic design positions. (Which means she'll end up being a receptionist somewhere for at least two years). He is thinking skirt suit. He is boring.


Off to Mood! Korto picked leather? Joe picks menswear fabric. Suede's print is really pretty cute. Thank you Mood!


Wow, seems like we just got back to the workroom and it's time for the first fitting.


Jerrell's girl seems happy with his ideas. Suede's girl thinks it will be too professional. Joe's girl doesn't like the pinstripe fabric - but her mother loves it. Korto's "mom" doesn't understand the fabric that Korto has chosen. Kenley is nasally voicing her approval of Kenley Jr.'s new outfit. Leanne's duo don't like the outfit at all. Leanne is dismayed, "One sexy teacher dress coming up!"


Suede has now switched gears and is going to do a dress, as it is easier. Bet he'd give his right testicle for Terri's pants pattern right now. Joe is going ultra conservative, which causes Jerrell to mock him mercilessly. "Come on, Joe. You can work on Nancy Reagan tomorrow!"


Early on day two Tim sends in clients for their second fitting. Sans mothers, which pleases all. Joe thinks his client is getting more excited about the outfit - but I know the look on her face. It's not excitement, it's the face you get on Christmas morning as you say loudly, "Are these SOCKS in my stocking???" Not excitement.


OK, lets talk about Suede. That dress is cute - however, that dress is not practical for a photographer. That dress is practical if you are going to be meeting someone from Match.com, but unless she's planning on standing still during the entire photo shoot that dress isn't gonna work.


At this point Tim brings in Jeanie from corporate hair and makeup, who will be helping with the total makeover portion of the challenge. Winning look gets a paragraph in Elle magazine.


Tim's Visit! This week I'm going to write what I think Tim wants to say, rather than what he actually says.
"Suede, your pockets are crooked, and does your model have arm deformities we don't know about?"

"Joe? Unless the legal team of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe is looking to hire a graphic designer you are hopelessly off the mark."

"Hi Jerrell. Wanna have dinner?"

"Oh Kenley... that dress again? How about you lose the underskirt this time?"

Joe phones home. This may be a bit of Bravo foreshadowing, remember when the straight guy on Shear Genius waxed on and on about how much he loved and missed his wife? Then he went home that episode? Hmmmmm?

When they get back to the apartments that night the girls verbally stab Suede in the back with dull kitchen knives. Loving it.

Day of the show arrives, and they have one hour to get their girls through hair and makeup, plus get them dressed. An hour? For color, cut, style, makeup, and fitting? Who are they kidding? Unless they're going down the runway in foils it ain't gonna happen. Through the magic of television, though, it only seems to take 5 minutes. It's a miracle! Leanne's dress looks WAY better without a jacket, Suede's jacket is dated, and did Kenley give Jr. a head pet??

Guest judge is Cynthia Rowley!! Love her on Design Star!

WHAT is THAT on Jerrell's head? A feather beret? WTF?

Runway!!

Joe: OMG! He even flipped the collar. BWAHAHAHAHA! Does that jacket look too small?

Leanne: Take the jacket off! Take the stupid, frumpy jacket off! Why doesn't she take that damn jacket off????

Jerrell: Darling! Wish the skirt was a touch longer. Plus? How cute would this be with boots!

Korto: I like it, I don't love it.

Suede: And she could not get the jacket off quickly enough! She was throwing it off on her first step down the runway.

Kenley: It's cute, but I am not feeling the vest. And? Yes! It's a head pet on Jr.!

The judges aren't so brutal this week...

Kenley: Heidi remarks on mini-me, Nina thinks it's cute, Cynthia likes the belt, Michael again remarks about it being the right clothes and the right style and the right girl.

Joe: Cynthia dogs on the suit idea. (Kenley also laughs at Joe on stage. God, she can be a bitch, right?) Nina and Michael think this outfit is a cliche. Nina and Michael are correct.

Korto: Michael said she looks current, Cynthia thinks the jacket is really cool, and Nina loves this whole ensemble.

Leanne: Nina thinks the dress is more charming without the jacket, Michael wants to see more of her cute body (???), and I can't tell if the judges like this look or not.

Jerrell: Heidi loves this look, Cynthia thinks this looks great, as does Nina.

Suede: Cynthia mocks gratuitous jacket idea, Michael thinks he missed the mark, and Nina HAAAAAATES it.

The winner? Jerrell!!

Auffed: Joe. (I knew it!!! BuhBye Big Joe!!!)

*10 points if you catch the reference.

Wordless Wednesday

goings on...

Have a few small things to blog about...

Darling Niece has pledged the world's best sorority. Yea!!!! Welcome to all things Pink and Green, Sister!

Darling Daughter 2 had a visit to the dentist today. Good news? She sat still for x-rays for the first time ever - usually it doesn't "happen." Bad news? On those said x-rays you can clearly see her very first cavity. Oh! My poor, darling baby.

Oh, and sixteen year old Miley Cyrus has a new boyfriend. He's 20. TWENTY. Way to rein her in, Billy Ray. Way to make sure she doesn't follow the predictable child star path. As a parent of two children who are HUGE Disney fans, I must thank you for your continued strong parenting that will most likely land her in rehab before her 20th birthday. This picture is of them leaving church on Sunday. Dressed like that. At church. I'm sure they're not having sex yet, right? Because that? Would be illegal. Right?

Did you see this?

Funniest thing ever!

They’re baaaaacckkkk! And they're helping!

(For my recap on last week's episode, click here. I missed the cut-off for recapalooza... and last week frankly was a better episode to blog about.)

Did you love the faces of horror as they saw who the special guests were? They will base their designs on the astrological sign of one of the designers, and must create an avant-garde outfit. The budget is $250.

The teams are as follows:
Korto / Kelli
Kenley / Wesley
Joe / Daniel
Leanne / Emily
Blayne / Stella
Terri / Keith
Terrell / Jennifer
Suede / Jerry

(Note: Aquarius is by far the best as it is my sign. Water, blue, silver, what’s not to love?)

Terri and Keith are like oil and vinegar already, and they aren’t 30 minutes in to the partnership.

Scurry to buy fabric and… Thank You Mood!

(I love it when they get back to the workroom and they’re all like, “Ok, what do we do now?” Sure, now that you have the fabric, and can’t buy anything else… lets figure it out now.)



Terri just doesn’t know what to do – I know what she’ll do. Pants. And possibly a jacket. Man, those two hate each other. Keith, “Careful, I’m fragile right now.” What? Who the eff admits they are a complete, frightened pansy on television?

Leanne and Emily are the popular girls in the lunchroom, rolling their eyes at the quirky, loud Kenley. Kenley totally gets that she is odd girl out.

Tim’s visit!
Tim, again, does not at all get what Blayne is doing. Not at all. It is all in the eyebrows, people. That man could stay silent all night, but you’d know what he was thinking by his eyebrows.

Jerrell. Tim is dishing harsh tonight. He’s “intrigued”, which means he thinks it is weird

Leanne. Tim loves the exo-skeleton idea.

Kenley is making a Queen Victoria dress on steroids. Kenley is not taking Tim’s advice that the dress will be a garish costume. Kenley is wrong to defy the Tim.

Terri Is taking this as literal as possible. Tim can feel the tension. Crap, my sister who lives in NY can probably feel the tension.

The next morning. (Think Wesley and Daniel did it last night??)

Work room is a disaster area. You know I HATE it when there are this many designers to follow. It’s chaos and nothing great happens. They don’t have enough time to focus on the small, funny things that go on. So Terri is pissed, which is the main focus. Terri is always pissed. Move on.

Suede said “We are all running around like chickens with their head cut off again.” Wouldn’t you expect him to say, “Suede and his minions are running around like chickens…” instead?

Kenley may be a little overconfident. Her dress is pretty ugly. Fashion forward? Maybe. Ugly? Certainly.

So, we’re leaving for the party, and haven’t seen anything of Joe’s design yet, only a sleeve of Blayne’s design, and not much from Korto.

The outfits will be judged by former design contestants. OK? Kara looks like even more plain that ever. I love that Christian is there, so cute! Allison was one of my favorites, and Robert. Who didn’t just want to pinch Robert’s cheeks?

Next day they have to sew their looks together since a lot of the stuff went out unfinished last night. Keith and Terri are no longer speaking, and Keith has gone for a siesta in the break room.

Blayne’s outfit looks like underwear. Literally. The muslin stuff they used to wear in the olden days, and Stella is pounding! Of course she has found a way to work grommets in to Blayne's underwear fiesta. She has the gift of grommet.

Tim has to come in and wake Keith up. Silly little lazy designer!

RUNWAY!!
(First of all, Jerrell is looking pretty “Leo” himself this evening, and did Kelli make that dress out of scraps left over from Kenley’s project?)
Nina is back! My 5 year old daughter will be so happy.
Blayne looks nervous. I’ve seen his garment. He should be nervous.


Cue the sillhouette:

Blayne: The close up on Michael’s face when he sees this is priceless.

Kenley: So effing ugly. Looks like a fabric topiary. I think I saw that in the Spring Ballard Design catalog.

Terri: Looks like a Bollywood wonder woman

Korto: looks like Aquarius. Not pretty, though.

Joe: A salsa dancer? Doing the walk of shame?

Jerrell: OK, it works better than I thought. I actually like that skirt.

Leanne: Cool. Could she three-pete?

Suede: Light and airy… looks poorly made. The things on the back are weird.

Kenley’s face is priceless when they announce who the four candidates for the win are… she can’t believe she didn’t win.


They start with the four lowest...

Blayne:
Libra. Nina, looks haphazard. Francisco, costumey. Michael, she is pooping fabric. Just odd. Judges think it was a joke.

Terri:
Leo. Michael, voodoo princess in hell. (LOL!) taste flew out the window. Francisco, should have been powerful. Judges hate the outfit, and hate that Terri didn’t work it out with Keith.

Kenley:
Aquarius. Nina, does not agree that this is inspired by zodiac. Michael says this is NOT avant-garde. He has seen it all before. Judges think it was not fitting the brief, and think she is stubborn.

Suede:
Libra. Nina, bordering on expected. Francisco, proportion is not there. Judges think it is boring, tacky, and not avant-garde at all. Michael cracks me up with the cracks on his third person usage. Dodi loves that they openly mock Suede.

Winner is: Jerrell. I am surprised… although it was not like anything I had ever seen before. Tim was right, it is so forward that either it will win or the judges will hate it.
Leanne, Korto, Joe, good work. You are safe.
Kenley is in. Blayne is out. Suede is in. Terri is out.

That leaves 6 designers? WAY too many for this late in the season. Wonder if next week will be the Big Fashion Massacre of 2008?

More bad book titles

I had no idea there were so many book blogs out there. After my last book entry, I went looking for bad book titles. Here a more that I've found:

"How Green were the Nazi's?"

"Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan: Magic Symbols in Silk, Stone, Wood and Flesh"

"Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium"
This one is $159.00. and amazon.com states: Only 4 left in stock--order soon (lol)

"Fart Proudly"
by Benjamin Franklin, of all people.

"Cooking With Pooh"

"Hey, Remember Fat Glenda?"

You'll note that I posted the links so you don't think I'm lying.

I do have a new book that I'm waiting to treat myself with this weekend when Husband gets home. It is an audio book - "When you are engulfed in flames," by David Sedaris. I prefer his books in audio, as hearing his inflection adds so much to the stories. (One night I was listening to his "Live at Carnegie Hall" on my ipod, and Husband was dying to know what was making me laugh so hard. I almost worship him.) I can also highly recommend his sister, Amy's, book, "Hospitality under the influence." Hilarious! Oh, and "Are you there Vodka, it's me Chelsea" by Chelsea Handler was really funny.

I hate to brag....

...but guess who's child was elected to student council?

(I know, I know... it's elementary school... and there are like 30 kids on student council... but she was SO CUTE when she told me!)

My feelings on school fundraisers

If I haven't yet made myself perfectly clear on school fundraisers, my position is simple: I hate them. Hate may not even be strong enough. I HAAAAAAATE them. I'd much rather write a check for $100 at the beginning of the year, buy my kids a couple plastic prizes on my own dime, and call it a day.

So, imagine my surprise when my friend at the kids' school asked, "I'm the organizer of the Book Fair this year, will you help me?" and I heard myself answer, "Sure."


"Sure."
It slipped out so quickly I didn't even hear it coming.

"Sure."
Which means I'm helping with the God awful Book Fair that I try to stay away from every year. I relish the idea there there is a "Dad's and Donuts" morning so HE can go buy them a couple of books and I can stay the hell away from that place.

"Sure."
Damn.

The Story of Shanghai Lil and the Russian Mail Order Bride

Previously on Project Runway:
It’s that Stanford Blatch guy from Saturn again. Keith is STILL out! I can’t see that scene enough.

Open in the apt… and what is Kenley doing with those scissors? Stella doesn’t know how to make coffee. General sleepy contestant shots.

Here come the winning and losing models. LeAnn is so white bread that she won’t dare change models, right? YES!

We have a special guest? Yes, it is….

Tim Gunn? Oh, we’re off to see a fashion legend.

(Dear Blayne, Mary Kate is NOT a fashion legend. He wants to marry Mary Kate? Wait -- is Blayne straight? Did I mis-interpret that or what?)

Oh, it’s DVF, just like we knew it would be! She does float beautifully down that sparkly staircase.

Kenley is sobbing! I get it, DVF IS a living legend. It must be a huge honor to be able to have your work critiqued by her. Hey! I LOVE the movie “A Foreign Affair”! Wait, did Tim just say that no one in the universe works with pattern and color like DVF? Was Uli not a contestant last season? That girl was gifted when it came to mixing patterns. He better pay homage to Uli at his Fashion Alter when he gets home tonight.

So, the designers get to go to the DVF fabric holding area or something. It’s probably like an airplane hangar sized warehouse with fabric everywhere you look and they’ll have 2 ½ minutes to find the perfect fabric for the challenge.

The winning look will be available to AMEX cardholders. Great. My husband can buy me an outfit. (Or not.) They get 15 minutes – which is a long time. Kenley, honey, pull yourself together. Is Tim just standing there not helping? Would that be some sort of breach of ethics or something? If I were Stella I’d be like, “What? You got a hook in your prissy ass? Get the hell over here and help me.”

Back to the workroom they get to see a Look Book – that should help. Kenley sounds like she’s doing one piece to the other designer’s three pieces. Hmmm.

Suede is now swinging between first and third person speech and just sounds like a confused toddler at this point. I’m over Suede. Still.

Wow! They dog on Terri for her pants pattern, don’t they? They also hate her fabric. Isn’t that a like a personal attack on DVF herself? Didn’t DVF design that fabric? Off with their heads!

Stella is all full of secrets and intrigue. Like those girls are interested in stealing her innovative grommet ideas for the challenge.

I notice that Blayne isn’t getting any paler. Perhaps they have decided to sustain him with some self-tanner?

Jerrel’s design looks beautiful in the picture.

Joe’s top has enough class to be photographed for Penthouse Magazine. Perhaps he has misinterpreted “A Foreign Affair” to be connected in some way to Russian Mail Order Brides?

Jesus, why doesn’t Kenley do a shoulder wrap to add a layer? That could still look very 30’s and appropriate. If there was ever a challenge for her to win it would be THIS challenge. It’s like they took a look at her and gift wrapped a challenge.

Suede seems to think that camo shrieks Berlin in the 30’s. Know what really shrieks Berlin in the 30’s, Suede? Hitler. Put a funny little mustache on your model and perhaps you can save your look.

Leanne could totally win again if she crops that jacket. Her dress is amazing. But what is with her throwing herself around corners? Is she acting like a spy, or like Andre?

Joe? Oh Joe. That outfit makes no sense to me.

BEST. LINE. THIS. SEASON. “It looks like a bra strap!” Read: Korto, put your yellow elsewhere.

Stella. Is it me or is Tim a little passive / aggressive with Stella? He clearly doesn’t get her at all. Which means I have a lot in common with Tim Gunn.

Tim is worried that Kenley isn’t doing enough. He doesn’t say it out loud, but you can see it in his eyebrows. Also, Kenley designs for Kmart? Random! We’re this far in and this is coming to the surface just now?

RUNWAY DAY!

Terri doesn’t have a blouse for her model – so “we’re all screwed.” Will everybody be punished if Terri sends an un-hemmed ascot down the runway?

Joe seems confidant that a bare midriff is very DVF. Joe? Is incorrect.

Stella’s model needs boob tape.

To the Runway:

(Heidi looks cute!)
(OK, even my 5-year-old daughter is like, “Where is Nina Garcia?” You should hear her say "Nina Garcia", because the only person she has ever heard say the name out loud is Heidi - so she sounds like a tiny little Heidi Klum. So funny!)

Joe: Outfit looks totally different than I thought it would, but why did he make the shirt so short?

Leanne: VERY nice! The back of that gown is killer.

Terri: Her outfits are always a bit of the same, but they are always remarkable. She can toss up those 4 patterns and hit a home run.

Jerell: What is with the hat?

Korto: Looks like a weekend at the Hamptons.

Blayne: Are those bloomers? Ewww.

Suede: It’s pretty, but not at all fitting the brief they were given.

Stella. Those pants are so awful. The outfit is bad, but is she going to do some smuggling in her girly bits during the espionage part of her trip?

Kenley: That dress is pretty. But, is it enough? (Oh, and notice that Kenley has moved the head pets to her shoulders and is sporting a conservative clip in the hair instead.)


Terri, Jerrell, Blayne are safe. Blayne really got through with those bloomers? Gag.

“Let’s bring out your models….”
(There are no picture this week - because Blogger is having a bad hair day and won't let me post pics. I'm annoyed.)

Korto:
DVF likes the yellow
Fern likes it.
Heidi thinks the little jacket is werry nice.


Joe:
DVF, doesn’t like the open back
Heidi doesn’t either.
Fern doesn’t either.
Michael thinks it is odd.


Kenley:
Heidi thinks it is a very pretty dress. Calls her out about no layering.
DVF likes this dress.
Michael thinks it is made beautifully. Calls model a Shanghai Lil.
Fern thinks it is very wearable.


Stella:
DVF thinks the cape looks like Dracula.
Michael is commenting on the tailoring. The crotch is a nightmare.


Leanne:
DVF thinks it is very pretty, likes the ying and the yang of the man’s jacket with a woman’s sexy dress.
Heidi thinks both pieces are beautiful.
Fern thinks there is a lot of look.
Michael and DVF think there is a lot of good design there.


Suede:
DVF points out that the dress is unflattering on a model even though she has no hips.
Heidi and Michael hate the slit in the back. Not sexy.
Fern doesn’t understand the herringbone.

And the winner is… Leanne! She won with immunity – very cool.

While poor Stella is auffed. Bye-bye Stella. (Wow, she looks a LOT prettier in the light of the waiting room, right?)

This just in from YAHOO...

Looking for something to read now that the kids are back in school? A self-help guide called "If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs" has been voted the oddest book title of the year. The book beat off competition from "I Was Tortured By the Pygmy Love Queen" to win The Bookseller magazine's prize.

The prize originated in 1978, and here are some notable past winners:

The Joy of Chickens

American Bottom Archaeology

Versailles: The View From Sweden

Re-using Old Graves

Highlights in the History of Concrete

The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition

Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers

The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories

People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It

The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification

I think I smell a new book club idea!!!!

NOW I'm legal!

How could I not pass, when there was a big, yellow "GOOD LUCK" sign on my car this morning! (Courtesy of Mrs. Kravitz. It even said, "It's your big day!" and I cried I was laughing so hard.) Unfortunately, I am also 43 years old again, with the face and body to match.

I did find out some interesting information today. When they took my picture I asked if I could see it, and she told me I could now go online to check my drivers license picture. Did any of you know about this? It was news to me, and I actually was surprised by the information. I certainly don't want it out there. It says it is part of the Freedom of Information Act. Anyway, I'm including the link here so you can go look up your information. (You can check a box that takes it off of their database, but still leaves it for law enforcement. Needless to say, I checked the box so you can't see my license. BUT you can check friends and family who haven't removed their information yet.)

http://www.license.shorturl.com/

Wahoo - I'm LEGAL! (sort of...)

It is no longer illegal for me to drive a car! Well, not completely. I have to have a licensed adult driver with me, riding in the passenger's seat. Thats right, people, Bitch has a LEARNERS PERMIT. (And? Miraculously - I look 16 again! Hot body, great face, the works.)

Any takers? Seriously, take the opportunity while it's hot... because tomorrow morning at 9:45am I'll be taking my driving test and showing off my mad driving skilz, yo! (Unfortunately? The hot body and 16 year old face disappear tomorrow morning at 10:05am when the test finishes up. Sort of like a reverse DMV Fairy Godmother thing. Go figure.)

Almost there!!

My darling, very different daughters

OK, DD1 is now in 3rd grade. Never so much as a note home from her teacher.

DD2? Has been in school for exactly 6 days now. What happened tonight?
~~Ring Ring~~ ~~Ring Ring~~
"Hello?"
"Hi, Dodi? This is DD2's kindergarten teacher...."



Turns out nothing bad had happened, but DD2 isn't participating. At all. She sits at the back of the group and hides her work. She doesn't ever raise her hand, and she doesn't answer questions the teacher asks her. She had to miss centers today while she did her worksheet, and she cried. Nothing we can't overcome with a little TLC... but this is the same teacher who had DD1 - who is like Arnold Horshack* when she knows the answer to something, and (as her preschool teacher so delicately put it to us in our very first parent/teacher conference) "DD1 likes to Share Information." (She tends to be a touch chatty.)

Bless their hearts! I wouldn't have ever imagined I'd be the mom to two so very different children... because they're both girls - so how different can they be? (There aren't enough words to answer that question!)

*If you don't get this reference? You are WAY too young to be reading my blog!

Update on Driving Miss Dodi

Miss Dodi is now clear to apply for a drivers license in the State of Colorado. (Thank you, again, Mrs. Kravitz and my Sister S. Without you guys today I'd still be wondering!)

Wahoo! I may back in and out of the driveway today just for the fun of it! (I'm feeling oh-so-fifteen again. Just don't tell Dad.)

Now I gotta memorize that darn book - and practice my parallel parking. Sheesh, can you think of anything else I need to practice for the driving test?

He may have improved his chances this weekend.

John McCain picked Sarah Palin for his VP running mate. He strategically picked a woman, who looks like this:

..thus wrapping up the horny man vote.

He picked a woman who has family issues:

...thus wrapping up the Focus on the Family vote.

He picked a woman who knows how to have a little fun:

...thus wrapping up the fraternity brothers vote.

But lets stand back and watch PETA go batshit over this one:

...I don't think the daughter is an issue. I think the bloody carcase might be?

Anyway, September and October just got a little more competitive, didn't they?