I do miss her so much!

Next week it will be 5 months since mom died.

I can’t say it is “easier” now. The sadness is there, perhaps even more prevalent now that the shock has subsided. But it doesn’t slam me from out of nowhere nearly as often. I still cry, but not every day. I’m overly tired and not sleeping peacefully through the night most nights, but at least her dying isn’t usually the very first thought when I open my eyes in the morning. Having to get the kids ready for school helps with that aspect.

Things are continuing to hit me harder than they normally would; I feel zapped emotionally and don’t deal with stressful situations well. Even things like paying the bills or dealing with paperwork can be daunting and overly stressful. Instead of taking care of these sorts of necessities I tend to avoid things that can feel complicated. Some days I don’t answer the phone. I suppose I don’t have enough emotional energy “banked” these days, and the sadness can be quite draining.

Am I depressed? Probably. But appropriately so considering the time it’s been. I know that I will always be sad that my mom has died. Always. In 25 years it will still hit me once in a while. I accept that. I know that eventually I will have to define a new normal and not let my grief be center stage whenever it wants, and there have been a few weeks where I have actually dealt with life pretty well. Getting some of the housework done, getting the bills paid – but most of the time, when a wave comes and the sadness washes over me, I still let it take me where it will. I just let it. I’m not willing to control that yet.

DD2 will be going to Disneyland with my sister next Wednesday. Mom died four days after DD1 went to Disneyland with my sister last spring. I guess I’m still thinking in terms of “before” and “after”, but it’s only been five months.

I find myself reminding myself often that it’s only been five months.