Did you see this?

Funniest thing ever!

They’re baaaaacckkkk! And they're helping!

(For my recap on last week's episode, click here. I missed the cut-off for recapalooza... and last week frankly was a better episode to blog about.)

Did you love the faces of horror as they saw who the special guests were? They will base their designs on the astrological sign of one of the designers, and must create an avant-garde outfit. The budget is $250.

The teams are as follows:
Korto / Kelli
Kenley / Wesley
Joe / Daniel
Leanne / Emily
Blayne / Stella
Terri / Keith
Terrell / Jennifer
Suede / Jerry

(Note: Aquarius is by far the best as it is my sign. Water, blue, silver, what’s not to love?)

Terri and Keith are like oil and vinegar already, and they aren’t 30 minutes in to the partnership.

Scurry to buy fabric and… Thank You Mood!

(I love it when they get back to the workroom and they’re all like, “Ok, what do we do now?” Sure, now that you have the fabric, and can’t buy anything else… lets figure it out now.)



Terri just doesn’t know what to do – I know what she’ll do. Pants. And possibly a jacket. Man, those two hate each other. Keith, “Careful, I’m fragile right now.” What? Who the eff admits they are a complete, frightened pansy on television?

Leanne and Emily are the popular girls in the lunchroom, rolling their eyes at the quirky, loud Kenley. Kenley totally gets that she is odd girl out.

Tim’s visit!
Tim, again, does not at all get what Blayne is doing. Not at all. It is all in the eyebrows, people. That man could stay silent all night, but you’d know what he was thinking by his eyebrows.

Jerrell. Tim is dishing harsh tonight. He’s “intrigued”, which means he thinks it is weird

Leanne. Tim loves the exo-skeleton idea.

Kenley is making a Queen Victoria dress on steroids. Kenley is not taking Tim’s advice that the dress will be a garish costume. Kenley is wrong to defy the Tim.

Terri Is taking this as literal as possible. Tim can feel the tension. Crap, my sister who lives in NY can probably feel the tension.

The next morning. (Think Wesley and Daniel did it last night??)

Work room is a disaster area. You know I HATE it when there are this many designers to follow. It’s chaos and nothing great happens. They don’t have enough time to focus on the small, funny things that go on. So Terri is pissed, which is the main focus. Terri is always pissed. Move on.

Suede said “We are all running around like chickens with their head cut off again.” Wouldn’t you expect him to say, “Suede and his minions are running around like chickens…” instead?

Kenley may be a little overconfident. Her dress is pretty ugly. Fashion forward? Maybe. Ugly? Certainly.

So, we’re leaving for the party, and haven’t seen anything of Joe’s design yet, only a sleeve of Blayne’s design, and not much from Korto.

The outfits will be judged by former design contestants. OK? Kara looks like even more plain that ever. I love that Christian is there, so cute! Allison was one of my favorites, and Robert. Who didn’t just want to pinch Robert’s cheeks?

Next day they have to sew their looks together since a lot of the stuff went out unfinished last night. Keith and Terri are no longer speaking, and Keith has gone for a siesta in the break room.

Blayne’s outfit looks like underwear. Literally. The muslin stuff they used to wear in the olden days, and Stella is pounding! Of course she has found a way to work grommets in to Blayne's underwear fiesta. She has the gift of grommet.

Tim has to come in and wake Keith up. Silly little lazy designer!

RUNWAY!!
(First of all, Jerrell is looking pretty “Leo” himself this evening, and did Kelli make that dress out of scraps left over from Kenley’s project?)
Nina is back! My 5 year old daughter will be so happy.
Blayne looks nervous. I’ve seen his garment. He should be nervous.


Cue the sillhouette:

Blayne: The close up on Michael’s face when he sees this is priceless.

Kenley: So effing ugly. Looks like a fabric topiary. I think I saw that in the Spring Ballard Design catalog.

Terri: Looks like a Bollywood wonder woman

Korto: looks like Aquarius. Not pretty, though.

Joe: A salsa dancer? Doing the walk of shame?

Jerrell: OK, it works better than I thought. I actually like that skirt.

Leanne: Cool. Could she three-pete?

Suede: Light and airy… looks poorly made. The things on the back are weird.

Kenley’s face is priceless when they announce who the four candidates for the win are… she can’t believe she didn’t win.


They start with the four lowest...

Blayne:
Libra. Nina, looks haphazard. Francisco, costumey. Michael, she is pooping fabric. Just odd. Judges think it was a joke.

Terri:
Leo. Michael, voodoo princess in hell. (LOL!) taste flew out the window. Francisco, should have been powerful. Judges hate the outfit, and hate that Terri didn’t work it out with Keith.

Kenley:
Aquarius. Nina, does not agree that this is inspired by zodiac. Michael says this is NOT avant-garde. He has seen it all before. Judges think it was not fitting the brief, and think she is stubborn.

Suede:
Libra. Nina, bordering on expected. Francisco, proportion is not there. Judges think it is boring, tacky, and not avant-garde at all. Michael cracks me up with the cracks on his third person usage. Dodi loves that they openly mock Suede.

Winner is: Jerrell. I am surprised… although it was not like anything I had ever seen before. Tim was right, it is so forward that either it will win or the judges will hate it.
Leanne, Korto, Joe, good work. You are safe.
Kenley is in. Blayne is out. Suede is in. Terri is out.

That leaves 6 designers? WAY too many for this late in the season. Wonder if next week will be the Big Fashion Massacre of 2008?

More bad book titles

I had no idea there were so many book blogs out there. After my last book entry, I went looking for bad book titles. Here a more that I've found:

"How Green were the Nazi's?"

"Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan: Magic Symbols in Silk, Stone, Wood and Flesh"

"Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium"
This one is $159.00. and amazon.com states: Only 4 left in stock--order soon (lol)

"Fart Proudly"
by Benjamin Franklin, of all people.

"Cooking With Pooh"

"Hey, Remember Fat Glenda?"

You'll note that I posted the links so you don't think I'm lying.

I do have a new book that I'm waiting to treat myself with this weekend when Husband gets home. It is an audio book - "When you are engulfed in flames," by David Sedaris. I prefer his books in audio, as hearing his inflection adds so much to the stories. (One night I was listening to his "Live at Carnegie Hall" on my ipod, and Husband was dying to know what was making me laugh so hard. I almost worship him.) I can also highly recommend his sister, Amy's, book, "Hospitality under the influence." Hilarious! Oh, and "Are you there Vodka, it's me Chelsea" by Chelsea Handler was really funny.

I hate to brag....

...but guess who's child was elected to student council?

(I know, I know... it's elementary school... and there are like 30 kids on student council... but she was SO CUTE when she told me!)

My feelings on school fundraisers

If I haven't yet made myself perfectly clear on school fundraisers, my position is simple: I hate them. Hate may not even be strong enough. I HAAAAAAATE them. I'd much rather write a check for $100 at the beginning of the year, buy my kids a couple plastic prizes on my own dime, and call it a day.

So, imagine my surprise when my friend at the kids' school asked, "I'm the organizer of the Book Fair this year, will you help me?" and I heard myself answer, "Sure."


"Sure."
It slipped out so quickly I didn't even hear it coming.

"Sure."
Which means I'm helping with the God awful Book Fair that I try to stay away from every year. I relish the idea there there is a "Dad's and Donuts" morning so HE can go buy them a couple of books and I can stay the hell away from that place.

"Sure."
Damn.

The Story of Shanghai Lil and the Russian Mail Order Bride

Previously on Project Runway:
It’s that Stanford Blatch guy from Saturn again. Keith is STILL out! I can’t see that scene enough.

Open in the apt… and what is Kenley doing with those scissors? Stella doesn’t know how to make coffee. General sleepy contestant shots.

Here come the winning and losing models. LeAnn is so white bread that she won’t dare change models, right? YES!

We have a special guest? Yes, it is….

Tim Gunn? Oh, we’re off to see a fashion legend.

(Dear Blayne, Mary Kate is NOT a fashion legend. He wants to marry Mary Kate? Wait -- is Blayne straight? Did I mis-interpret that or what?)

Oh, it’s DVF, just like we knew it would be! She does float beautifully down that sparkly staircase.

Kenley is sobbing! I get it, DVF IS a living legend. It must be a huge honor to be able to have your work critiqued by her. Hey! I LOVE the movie “A Foreign Affair”! Wait, did Tim just say that no one in the universe works with pattern and color like DVF? Was Uli not a contestant last season? That girl was gifted when it came to mixing patterns. He better pay homage to Uli at his Fashion Alter when he gets home tonight.

So, the designers get to go to the DVF fabric holding area or something. It’s probably like an airplane hangar sized warehouse with fabric everywhere you look and they’ll have 2 ½ minutes to find the perfect fabric for the challenge.

The winning look will be available to AMEX cardholders. Great. My husband can buy me an outfit. (Or not.) They get 15 minutes – which is a long time. Kenley, honey, pull yourself together. Is Tim just standing there not helping? Would that be some sort of breach of ethics or something? If I were Stella I’d be like, “What? You got a hook in your prissy ass? Get the hell over here and help me.”

Back to the workroom they get to see a Look Book – that should help. Kenley sounds like she’s doing one piece to the other designer’s three pieces. Hmmm.

Suede is now swinging between first and third person speech and just sounds like a confused toddler at this point. I’m over Suede. Still.

Wow! They dog on Terri for her pants pattern, don’t they? They also hate her fabric. Isn’t that a like a personal attack on DVF herself? Didn’t DVF design that fabric? Off with their heads!

Stella is all full of secrets and intrigue. Like those girls are interested in stealing her innovative grommet ideas for the challenge.

I notice that Blayne isn’t getting any paler. Perhaps they have decided to sustain him with some self-tanner?

Jerrel’s design looks beautiful in the picture.

Joe’s top has enough class to be photographed for Penthouse Magazine. Perhaps he has misinterpreted “A Foreign Affair” to be connected in some way to Russian Mail Order Brides?

Jesus, why doesn’t Kenley do a shoulder wrap to add a layer? That could still look very 30’s and appropriate. If there was ever a challenge for her to win it would be THIS challenge. It’s like they took a look at her and gift wrapped a challenge.

Suede seems to think that camo shrieks Berlin in the 30’s. Know what really shrieks Berlin in the 30’s, Suede? Hitler. Put a funny little mustache on your model and perhaps you can save your look.

Leanne could totally win again if she crops that jacket. Her dress is amazing. But what is with her throwing herself around corners? Is she acting like a spy, or like Andre?

Joe? Oh Joe. That outfit makes no sense to me.

BEST. LINE. THIS. SEASON. “It looks like a bra strap!” Read: Korto, put your yellow elsewhere.

Stella. Is it me or is Tim a little passive / aggressive with Stella? He clearly doesn’t get her at all. Which means I have a lot in common with Tim Gunn.

Tim is worried that Kenley isn’t doing enough. He doesn’t say it out loud, but you can see it in his eyebrows. Also, Kenley designs for Kmart? Random! We’re this far in and this is coming to the surface just now?

RUNWAY DAY!

Terri doesn’t have a blouse for her model – so “we’re all screwed.” Will everybody be punished if Terri sends an un-hemmed ascot down the runway?

Joe seems confidant that a bare midriff is very DVF. Joe? Is incorrect.

Stella’s model needs boob tape.

To the Runway:

(Heidi looks cute!)
(OK, even my 5-year-old daughter is like, “Where is Nina Garcia?” You should hear her say "Nina Garcia", because the only person she has ever heard say the name out loud is Heidi - so she sounds like a tiny little Heidi Klum. So funny!)

Joe: Outfit looks totally different than I thought it would, but why did he make the shirt so short?

Leanne: VERY nice! The back of that gown is killer.

Terri: Her outfits are always a bit of the same, but they are always remarkable. She can toss up those 4 patterns and hit a home run.

Jerell: What is with the hat?

Korto: Looks like a weekend at the Hamptons.

Blayne: Are those bloomers? Ewww.

Suede: It’s pretty, but not at all fitting the brief they were given.

Stella. Those pants are so awful. The outfit is bad, but is she going to do some smuggling in her girly bits during the espionage part of her trip?

Kenley: That dress is pretty. But, is it enough? (Oh, and notice that Kenley has moved the head pets to her shoulders and is sporting a conservative clip in the hair instead.)


Terri, Jerrell, Blayne are safe. Blayne really got through with those bloomers? Gag.

“Let’s bring out your models….”
(There are no picture this week - because Blogger is having a bad hair day and won't let me post pics. I'm annoyed.)

Korto:
DVF likes the yellow
Fern likes it.
Heidi thinks the little jacket is werry nice.


Joe:
DVF, doesn’t like the open back
Heidi doesn’t either.
Fern doesn’t either.
Michael thinks it is odd.


Kenley:
Heidi thinks it is a very pretty dress. Calls her out about no layering.
DVF likes this dress.
Michael thinks it is made beautifully. Calls model a Shanghai Lil.
Fern thinks it is very wearable.


Stella:
DVF thinks the cape looks like Dracula.
Michael is commenting on the tailoring. The crotch is a nightmare.


Leanne:
DVF thinks it is very pretty, likes the ying and the yang of the man’s jacket with a woman’s sexy dress.
Heidi thinks both pieces are beautiful.
Fern thinks there is a lot of look.
Michael and DVF think there is a lot of good design there.


Suede:
DVF points out that the dress is unflattering on a model even though she has no hips.
Heidi and Michael hate the slit in the back. Not sexy.
Fern doesn’t understand the herringbone.

And the winner is… Leanne! She won with immunity – very cool.

While poor Stella is auffed. Bye-bye Stella. (Wow, she looks a LOT prettier in the light of the waiting room, right?)

This just in from YAHOO...

Looking for something to read now that the kids are back in school? A self-help guide called "If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs" has been voted the oddest book title of the year. The book beat off competition from "I Was Tortured By the Pygmy Love Queen" to win The Bookseller magazine's prize.

The prize originated in 1978, and here are some notable past winners:

The Joy of Chickens

American Bottom Archaeology

Versailles: The View From Sweden

Re-using Old Graves

Highlights in the History of Concrete

The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition

Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers

The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories

People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It

The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification

I think I smell a new book club idea!!!!

NOW I'm legal!

How could I not pass, when there was a big, yellow "GOOD LUCK" sign on my car this morning! (Courtesy of Mrs. Kravitz. It even said, "It's your big day!" and I cried I was laughing so hard.) Unfortunately, I am also 43 years old again, with the face and body to match.

I did find out some interesting information today. When they took my picture I asked if I could see it, and she told me I could now go online to check my drivers license picture. Did any of you know about this? It was news to me, and I actually was surprised by the information. I certainly don't want it out there. It says it is part of the Freedom of Information Act. Anyway, I'm including the link here so you can go look up your information. (You can check a box that takes it off of their database, but still leaves it for law enforcement. Needless to say, I checked the box so you can't see my license. BUT you can check friends and family who haven't removed their information yet.)

http://www.license.shorturl.com/

Wahoo - I'm LEGAL! (sort of...)

It is no longer illegal for me to drive a car! Well, not completely. I have to have a licensed adult driver with me, riding in the passenger's seat. Thats right, people, Bitch has a LEARNERS PERMIT. (And? Miraculously - I look 16 again! Hot body, great face, the works.)

Any takers? Seriously, take the opportunity while it's hot... because tomorrow morning at 9:45am I'll be taking my driving test and showing off my mad driving skilz, yo! (Unfortunately? The hot body and 16 year old face disappear tomorrow morning at 10:05am when the test finishes up. Sort of like a reverse DMV Fairy Godmother thing. Go figure.)

Almost there!!

My darling, very different daughters

OK, DD1 is now in 3rd grade. Never so much as a note home from her teacher.

DD2? Has been in school for exactly 6 days now. What happened tonight?
~~Ring Ring~~ ~~Ring Ring~~
"Hello?"
"Hi, Dodi? This is DD2's kindergarten teacher...."



Turns out nothing bad had happened, but DD2 isn't participating. At all. She sits at the back of the group and hides her work. She doesn't ever raise her hand, and she doesn't answer questions the teacher asks her. She had to miss centers today while she did her worksheet, and she cried. Nothing we can't overcome with a little TLC... but this is the same teacher who had DD1 - who is like Arnold Horshack* when she knows the answer to something, and (as her preschool teacher so delicately put it to us in our very first parent/teacher conference) "DD1 likes to Share Information." (She tends to be a touch chatty.)

Bless their hearts! I wouldn't have ever imagined I'd be the mom to two so very different children... because they're both girls - so how different can they be? (There aren't enough words to answer that question!)

*If you don't get this reference? You are WAY too young to be reading my blog!

Update on Driving Miss Dodi

Miss Dodi is now clear to apply for a drivers license in the State of Colorado. (Thank you, again, Mrs. Kravitz and my Sister S. Without you guys today I'd still be wondering!)

Wahoo! I may back in and out of the driveway today just for the fun of it! (I'm feeling oh-so-fifteen again. Just don't tell Dad.)

Now I gotta memorize that darn book - and practice my parallel parking. Sheesh, can you think of anything else I need to practice for the driving test?

He may have improved his chances this weekend.

John McCain picked Sarah Palin for his VP running mate. He strategically picked a woman, who looks like this:

..thus wrapping up the horny man vote.

He picked a woman who has family issues:

...thus wrapping up the Focus on the Family vote.

He picked a woman who knows how to have a little fun:

...thus wrapping up the fraternity brothers vote.

But lets stand back and watch PETA go batshit over this one:

...I don't think the daughter is an issue. I think the bloody carcase might be?

Anyway, September and October just got a little more competitive, didn't they?

You need to see "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"

'Cause this? Is one funny movie. I was sort of so-so on seeing this one, I'm lukewarm on the Veronica Mars chick, and Russell Brand? Why is everyone going GaGa over this guy? I saw the trailer in the theater, and thought "really stupid movie."

In my opinion? I was wrong.

I totally get it. Everyone in this cast was really funny. The chemistry between them was such that you know they had the best time working on this film - and I laughed a lot. I laughed even harder the second time through the next night. I think this may be one of those movies that you can watch over and over again through the years and it just gets funnier. I GET the Russell Brand thing now. He's the character that could have been one you'd hate... but he's so charmingly offbeat and funny - even though he's just a disgusting character - you really like him. Something that could have been just bad dialogue from someone else is hilarious from him.

I won't lie. This is a vapid movie full of juvenile, raunchy, filthy humor - and tons of sex. (I am truly surprised they could come up with enough material for a G rated trailer.) Not something for family movie night for sure - I'm going to be taking it off my iPod next time I sync it because I fear my children might somehow see it and be scarred for life. I can't say I didn't laugh, because I'm a girl who is amused by really classy high brow humor like that.

Know what would go great with that outfit? Spinning Rims!

OK, lets be honest. This season, so far, has not lived up to previous seasons. Even the judges are making fun of the contestants’ designs. Remember the good old days of Season 1, back when Michael Kors actually used to give constructive criticism? Now it’s all mocking and laughing and the Bitch is snarky! Who knew that Michael Kors was a mean girl? Plus? I can’t believe he outed his aunt’s bad bar mitzvah style choices. Bet his $10 birthday check gets lost in the mail this year.

Now, let’s begin.

I think it’s funny that they’re all expecting they they are going on a field trip to see Mariah Carrey or something/someone glam and fabulous. Even when they see it’s a parking garage they cross their fingers that they’re on their way to a hot party. It’s a GARAGE people, even I saw seat belts and Saturn coming. (They ARE a sponsor.) I was relieved, however, when Tim didn’t hand out exacto knives for slicing up the interior. Oh, and how about the shirt that the designer from Saturn chose to wear for his national television debut? Somebody grab that man a stylist.

I do LOVE this challenge. It hearkens back to Flower Power in Season 2, and Waste Not Want Not from Season 3. This could be a good one for creativity. It is original and fun. Car parts. What could be less fashionable? Of course, Joe is all over the manliness of the challenge. Drag Queens and carburetors. He’s the man! Also, Kenley might be smart, but to listen to her talk you’d never catch on.

OhOhOHHH! Suede just said “I”. (Ha Ha Ha.) Inconsistent pronoun foul: No immunity for YOU this week. It’s first person or third… consistency points will be awarded.

LeAnn doesn’t have a clue what to create for this challenge. I smell a winner!!! Maybe the meek really shall inherit the earth?

Who pissed off Keith? Is he pouting about the judicial mocking he inspired last week? It was his own damn fault – he’s a one trick pony. What a cry baby.

Suede thinks Whackadoodle is the new Girlicious. Never. I do have an embarrassing admission to make, however. “Holla” is now part of my vocabulary and I HATE Tanboi for that. I holla bad words in his general direction!

Ironic that we are presented with a challenge where they were given leather to work with, and Stella feels the need to go in a new direction.

Kenley is using air filters and it’s genius. I find her whining about having to change models absurd. Shoot, she could accordion fold a paper towel to fill in the gap in the back and the judges wouldn’t notice. “Shanon bailed on me and I’m pissed.” Perhaps Shanon had a death in the family? Kenley? Is kind of a needy bitch who bugs.

Jerell seems very inspired tonight. See, Keith? They laughed out loud and Jerell’s Little Bo Peep outfit and he didn’t let that get him down. Suck it up, baby.

WTF is LeAnn making? Her outfit may involve a ball gag at some point.

Terry and Korto crack me up. I love how they can tease each other.

Stella’s boyfriend is named Ratbones. “Hi Mom, Dad…. This is my new boyfriend, Ratbones.” Yea, I can’t see it. I see she must have found something to use as a grommet though cause she's pounding away. She's nothing if not reliable, pounding in the corner week after week.

Keith? Is a dick. His garment is falling apart at the seams and he’s all like, “I gave her one small task…” Tissue?

Runway!!!!


Ohhh, Laura is here tonight! Fun.
Rachel Zoe? Ick.

Jerell: Very futuristic. Styled correctly. I like it.
Keith: BORING. He said it’s pretty well constructed. Ha Ha. It’s falling apart, dude.
Terri: Hard edge, biker chick outfit. It is very cool.
Kenley: I don’t love this. It’s just OK. It is original.
LeAnn: Wow. That dress looks amazing.
Suede: The top is fabulous. Very cute. I hate that I like it.
Korto: that jacket is DARLING. If it were a little less bulky it would be enviable.
Blayne: I don’t think it’s horrible, but the bottom reminds me of a mop.
Joe: Looks like something a JV Cheerleader from some high school in New Jersey might wear on game night.
Stella: It doesn’t match. The pieces are fine, but they don’t go together.

Terri, Suede, Joe and Kenley are safe.

I love this part. “Let’s bring out your models.”

Jerell:
Rachel, “Quite Amazing.”
Michael, really liked it.
Heidi thought it was very exciting.




Blayne:
Laura, likes the idea, but not the fit.
Michael is not a car wash skirt fan. LOL.
Rachel, wishes it was shorter.
Heidi mentions that Blayne has doomed himself to 7 years with no sex for breaking a mirror. (She’s got your back, boy)

Korto:
Laura, great shape.
Rachel wants to walk out the door in it. So chic.
Michael it’s elegant.

LeAnn:
Michael thinks the silhouette is fabulous and it is crafted beautifully.
Rachel is blown away. She LOVES this dress. Flawless.
Laura, likes the shape.

Stella:
Laura, doesn’t seem to go together.
Michael, it looks random.

Keith:
Rachel, disses on the back. Was that gap intentional?
Laura, there is no concept.
Michael and Keith now have words. Even though we all want it to go to a cat fight, Michael puts it into perspective. Keith looks shamed.

Winner: LeAnn
Auffed: Keith (Buh Bye)

Notes: Of my original list of designers that I thought might make it to the end this year? Only Joe and Kenley are left. Boy, did I get the wrong first impression! Now I think the top four are Korto, Suede (Gahhhh), Terri, and Kenley. Perhaps Jerell, but I don’t think the other’s have what it takes to make it in the long run. We’ll see…. I was more than a little wrong earlier in the season! I thought Kelli was brilliant. Holla!

“Karma’s Bitch? Party of One, your table is ready…”

So, I’ve lost my drivers license. When I say I’ve “lost” my driver’s license, I don’t mean in a casual, yet annoying “I have no idea where I left it and now I have to spend an afternoon at the DMV waiting in line to get a new one” kind of lost.

In fact, “lost” isn’t the right word at all, since I know right where it is. The State of Colorado has had it since I was caught doing a rolling stop at that damn stop sign on Berry, and the police officer took it with him when he left me with a ticket. And? It’s not like he took it with him by accident either. Suspended would be the right word.

See, I had coffee with my brother on Sunday morning, which has nothing to do with the rest of the story… except to let you know why I was out driving and returning home from that particular direction. As I was driving home, I suppose I was a bit in my own little world, thinking about the week coming up and how Husband would be leaving town that afternoon.

I didn’t even SEE the police car at the new-ish stop sign. Now, ever since Sister Wife Martha notified us that the new revenue generator had gone up, I’ve been oh so careful. In our neighborhood I'm usually pretty careful anyway – ever since I got caught going 35 mph in a 20 mph school zone at 4:45 in the afternoon one day about 4 years ago. I argued to the DA that it was ridiculous that the school crossing light would still be flashing at quarter till five in the afternoon and obviously it wasn’t my fault that the light hadn’t been reprogrammed yet to counter the effect of daylight savings having just ended that weekend – but I still had to go to before the judge, pay a $250 fine, attend driving class, and write an essay before they would consider the ticket taken-care-of. (Oh yes, I did actually have to write an essay on what I learned in class that day. Thank you to the Jackasses in the Centennial Traffic Court for adding that humiliating little bit of homework to my traffic trauma.)

But I digress…

I do try to be careful, because I know that stop sign is there for no other reason than the City of Centennial needs pesos. This was confirmed when, in the beginning of my meeting with Officer K the other day, he offered to simply give me a zero point, $75 no-seatbelt fine and leave it at that. I thought that sounded, if not fair, at least kind. Then he took my license, registration, and proof of insurance back to his car.

I ought to have guessed something was amiss when he didn’t come back for 25 minutes.

He approached my car with several pieces of paper, and told me that “we” had a problem… but his attempt to soften the blow wasn’t working. I knew that in truth “we” meant “me”. He couldn’t tell me what the exact cause of the problem was, but that his computers were telling him that my license had been suspended 09/02/07. So, not only could he not give me my license back, but that deal we had discussed about a no-seatbelt fine was also out the window.

I have been driving on a suspended license for just shy of a year now.

WTF? Did they finally READ the essay they made me write and decide that I didn’t get a passing grade or something?

It being Sunday, all I knew was the State of Colorado was closed and my answers weren’t going to happen that day. Husband had the joyous task of calling his boss to tell him why he couldn’t be in Phoenix for his job this week – because our kids attend a school that is 11 miles away and there has been a new law passed that says if you are caught driving a car with a suspended license they will now have the ability to impound your car with a $2500 impound fee attached. Plus, he was worried that emergency after emergency would befall the girls if Mommy couldn’t legally drive.

I only had to wait on hold for 45 minutes Monday morning before I am told that this suspension is related to a speeding ticket that I got the last week in May 2007. I’m blank. “Can you refresh some of the details for me on that?” I ask. I was caught going 33 mph in a 25 mph zone (there but for the grace of God goes every single one of you, btw) on a street near here, and the ticket had never been “taken care of”. Oh right, I’m sure I paid that. (It does not even strike me as unusual that I had forgotten this ticket. It was a pretty small deal, not like my other ticket or filing taxes or something long and drawn out... or so I had thought.) I do remember filling out my information on the back of the ticket – which was pink – and writing the check. Do I have any proof the check cleared? Ummm, nope. Now that I look though our records… I find… nothing. (Probably time to admit that I’m not the greatest record keeper on Earth, and there is a reason I’m not a CPA.) But, in my defense, I also didn’t get any notification that my license was suspended and they are supposed to send those out by certified mail. Although this information makes me feel a little bit righteous, it does nothing to advance the cause of getting my license back.

Now I have to pay the original ticket, obtain an OJW clearance form, pay for and file a Petition to Reinstate, take the written driving test in order to get a drivers permit (which I don’t have to have for any length of time, but I do have to have it in order to…), take an actual driving test – with an instructor – which I haven’t done in 27 years. I might actually be legal to drive again sometime next week. And then? I have to go to County Court in October to be punished with a 4-point violation in regards to running a stop sign, and I have to present my paperwork vis-à-vis the license suspension and most likely get fined for that also. I'm expecting at the very least the judge will be disappointed with me and will make me whither under his glare. I must appear in court, I may not settle this any other way.

So what have we learned from this fiasco? (Circle as many as you think are true)

1) That the City of Centennial is actually run by ex-priests with a funny sense of humor about secular penance?
2) That one should always use certified mail when dealing with government business so they don’t wonder if they are losing their minds when they can’t remember what happened to the paperwork and did they really ever mail it in?
3) That I probably shouldn’t have teased my husband about setting our fence on fire? (…and shouldn’t be shocked that “Hey, better you than me” came back to haunt me?)

Or…

4) That my mother (God bless her soul) now has “the powers that be” on her side, and is being rewarded by her new bff upstairs for all the times she probably should have taken her snotty daughter’s license away from her during her bratty teenaged years… but didn’t have the will to also punish herself by keeping me around the house?

I fully expect that, when I see her again someday, she’ll be all laughing and like, “That one was pretty funny, right? Come on… admit it… you deserved it!” By then? I may be able to look back on this and laugh.

Maybe.

OK, so I'm reading my favorite Gossip Girl today...

Miss Lainey (who rocks and you should bookmark her), and this was a link on one of her stories today: What really happens in the Olympic Village?

I wonder if parents would still push their kids so hard in sports if they knew this was going to happen? LOL! Who knew it would be good news if your kid wasn't athletic?

Friday funny...

Welcome to Friday! The last Friday of our Summer break - bittersweet in many ways. Summer went by really quickly... it always does.

So, to leave you with something funny today, who doesn't love a good blond joke? I mean, I know I have lots of friends and family who sport the golden locks, but this one is just too great. Offense? Intended. (It is me after all!)

Best Blond Joke Ever

Enjoy!

Wordless Wednesday: Gymnastics from 1936 (how things have changed!)

It's almost time

I’ve been crying a lot this week.

Next week my youngest daughter starts kindergarten, and my mom isn’t here to hear about it. I can’t call her after I drop DD2 off and tell her how cute she looked in her new outfit and pigtails, backpack proudly in place, marching off in line with the other terrified 5 year olds. I will call Dad… but while he will delight in his own way over her first day of real school, he won’t care which ribbons she chose to have in her hair, or did we argue about her shoes, or did she look back and smile her smile at me as she walked away from me - taking the biggest steps she has yet taken so far in her little life?

Mom loved times like this. She loved hearing in detail about all the milestones in my kids’ lives, and I could hear her smile through the phone as I described all the details precisely. She was their Ammie, and she lived for these moments regarding all of her grandchildren. Already since Mom has been gone two more grandkids have graduated high school and will be moving up to college next week, one grandson has finished his college education, and now the baby of the grandkids is starting kindergarten.

That she isn’t here to share this with us is painful. I miss her still so very much, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t still ache. I do dream about her now – but in my dreams she hasn’t died after all, it didn’t really happen. She is healthy, her foot is completely healed with no signs of vascular disease, we talk about how great it is that she’s out of the hospital, and she looks really happy and healthy. (And, which should be my tip-off that I’m dreaming, she’s not one bit cranky. Imagine that.) When I wake up from these dreams I’m confused for a minute.

Which story is real?

And then I remember. And it all comes back as sharp as the first morning I woke up and she wasn’t here with us anymore. And I just miss her so much.

I know she wouldn’t miss DD2’s first day of kindergarten for anything… she’ll be with her all day making sure things go smoothly. But I’m going to miss talking to her about it. Because I’m her youngest… and I would really liked to know how she felt on my first day of kindergarten - as I walked away from her taking the biggest steps that I had yet taken so far in my little life.

It just would have been pretty cool to have been able to share that with her.

Can I get an Amen?

You know, there are some people that you just shouldn’t sue.

The Pope? Would be one of them. That’s just asking for a trip to hell. Economy class. Limited leg room. No layovers. No beverage service.

Just sayin.

See Story Here

In the spirit of the Olympics...

...my darling Husband sent me this. Enjoy.

In search of all things itchy

I finally broke down and visited the Butterfly Pavilion here in Denver. (Westminster, actually.) Thinking I could get over my fear of things-that-fly-at-you for an afternoon that would make the girls happy. DD1 had been there before, but DD2 had not. My niece (the lifeguard) was in town so we’d be dragging her along, and my sister joined us for the adventure.

So, how come no one ever told me that the BUTTERFLY Pavilion was filled with BUGS? Only like 25% of it is butterflies – which was creepy enough with its chrysalis wall (where the chrysalis actually twitch, gahhhhh), and the butterflies? They don’t just fly at you, they like to land on you. There is a sign there that states, “Touching the butterflies shortens their lifespan.” You know what else shortens their lifespan? Landing on me. Seriously, one of these buggers chased me for a good two minutes:

Sure, it looks pretty enough... but it is a savage and tricky tracker.

Plus? I couldn’t even walk on the beautifully landscaped walkways in there because all I could imagine was that a caterpillar was going to drop on my head and my lifeguard niece would have to administer CPR on her aging auntie. (Now, they SAY there are no caterpillars there, but come on! How are they going to control that fully, right? I imagine butterflies are like rabbits in their prolific regards to breeding.) Thank goodness Lifeguard Niece was there to handle the scary stuff, like taking the girls around the footpaths.

However, the name is misleading. What greets you at the door of the Butterfly Pavilion? THIS:

(These millipedes are like 6 inches long.)

…plus a cage of scorpions, beetles, and other crawly nightmares. So, my “oh crap, something is crawling on me” leg slapping began as soon as we walk in to the building. Then we see the “Crawlaseum”, home of many, many, too many spiders, beetles, cockroaches, ants, leaf bugs, and other nasty biting creatures. All of the sudden, I look over, and THIS is what I see…

DD1 with spider all over her. (You’ll have to imagine my stifled scream at this point.) I knew she had held the tarantula before, and that she planned to do it again… but nothing had prepared me for seeing one of the true loves of my life with a gigantic spider in her hands. Why just the other day Mrs. Kravitz had to kill a house spider in our entry way as I freaked out, and it wasn’t as large as a dime. To see my daughter holding this monster almost made my heart stop. I’m sure she was seconds away from being jailed in a giant web. Here are some other sites of the day:

OK, I have to quit blogging about this now. I’m feeling all kinds of imaginary bugs on me and it’s awful. Thus ends my first, and final trip to the Butterfly Pavilion.

In a word? Ick.

What do you mean YESTERDAY was the big day??

Happiest Belated Birthday Danielle!!! (I'm sorry I forgot to log on yesterday!) I hope your day was WONDERFUL!

Wordless Wednesday

Hottie Nephew and his sister...

Because "Hottie" nephew (cute fireman) has been making the rounds on my blog, I thought I'd show you a picture. This is him with his little sister, our favorite darling lifeguard.

Obviously their parents are doing something right - both of their kids choose lifesaving jobs for summer fun. I should be so lucky someday.

If I had to assign blame?

I’d say it started with Alton Brown… and his damn episode that got Husband thinking about meat smokers. Don’t get me wrong – usually the things Alton brings our way are delicious and a real value-add. The smoked meat was no exception. Absolutely delish. When Husband said he was going to use the smoker on a pork roast last Sunday, I was elated. The only problem (before last week) with using the meat smoker was the smoke itself, which is plentiful to say the least. Being our neighbor when Husband is using the smoker is probably akin to living downwind from The Trail Dust Steakhouse on the night they also happen to be having a bonfire in their parking lot.

Of course, I suppose even Alton might not have been able to predict what happened next.

See, after you smoke the meat and feed it to your wife (who especially likes salmon prepared this way), you have the issue of the coals to deal with. Husband is very safety conscious. When he uses the deep fryer (for our Thanksgiving turkey) or the meat smoker, he uses them in the middle of the yard so nothing will catch fire… and the hose is right there should something go wrong. He leaves the smoker in the yard overnight, and after this latest bout even left it out there while the sprinklers ran. Nothing like a little water to help douse those coals. Or, so you’d think.

Flash to Tuesday night. I got home from visiting my brother around 8:30 or 9:00pm. Smelled smoke and thought, “man, I really feel bad for the neighbors. That smell really lingers after using that smoker thing.” It really did smell like a campfire. But, you know… no big deal. The Hawthorne tree in full bloom smelled worse than that.

11:00pm Tuesday night and Husband and I are in bed. I’m not asleep yet, so when the fire engine turns up on the street next to our house I’m the first nosey neighbor to the window. “Oh, I’ll bet it’s the older gentleman who lives in that house. I think he must be sick again. Wait, they’re moving. Honey, they’re pulling into the cul-de-sac.” Husband (from the bed), “They’re probably turning around”. Me, “No, they appear to be parked”. And all of the sudden: RAP RAP RAP on our back door (which is glass, so it was loud). Husband jumps out of bed, and goes downstairs to see what’s going on.

There is a policeman in our backyard.

“What do you all keep in the flower boxes in your back yard”, he asks my husband. Husband looks up at me and all I can think is, “Nothing. The dog digs up every flower we ever plant there so we don’t use it anymore.” Husband said to the officer, “I put the coals from the smoker in there, but they were from Sunday and they were wet.”

Crap.

This was the result:

This is the flower box and fence that went up in flames. (The Kravitz Estate is on the other side of that fence. You can see their grounds through the hole.)

Luckily the neighbors behind us (who are moving out and were only home that night packing up stuff) saw the flames shooting up and turned a hose on the fire after calling 911. This is an easement in our yard for the cable boxes of the surrounding homes – and it’s littered with dried pine needles, old pine cones, and some old leaves. Perfect fire fodder… and it had just started to burn as you can see. (Also notice the lattice that encloses the area had just started to burn.)


This is the other side of the flower box. Our backyard is bordered with trees. The whole perimeter of our yard is covered in dried bark – which looks very pretty and is, most likely, very flammable. The fire didn’t reach this part of the yard yet, the dark soil you see is what the firemen (who, btw, were about 25 years old and DARLING) dug out of the flower box.

(This is what the perimeter of the yard looks like. This is the part leading from the fire site up towards our side deck.)

(This is a view of our side deck – which also would have been good fire fodder.)

And this is a view of the back of our house that is attached to the back and side decks. Please notice that the house is not burned in any way – because I am convinced that someone “upstairs” was watching out for us. (Thanks Mom!!!!)

So, after the trauma of the night as we were settling back in our bed, husband turned to me and said, “I’m sorry.”

My loving, caring, empathetic, heartfelt, best-wife-in-the-world response?

“Hey, better you than me.”

Sing it with me!

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy First Birthday Baby Kravitz!
Happy Birthday to you!

***********

We LOVE you!!

“If you can’t be athletes, be athletic supporters!”

It's Wednesday... and we all know that means my real-time PROJECT RUNWAY recap!!

But? First can we talk about Tanboi? Apparently tanning is like heroin to the kid, and he’s going through withdrawal. He cannot shut up about it… perhaps we need a mystic tan intervention? They have the at home Mystic in a can now. Oh, the WHINING! Don’t you think he would have thought ahead and at least packed a little bronzer? He KNEW he wouldn’t be tanning, and now he’s all crybaby. Wah.

We get the requisite eye rolls when a field trip is announced, and here comes Apollo Ohno. (I’m thinking more than half of them didn’t know who he was until he was introduced.) They get to create a pretend design for the Olympic Opening Ceremonies. I’m wondering what kind of gay man Daniel is, as he has never watched the Opening Ceremony. It’s all choreography and flash – sure it’s usually a little weird, but wouldn’t that be a plus for him? It’s practically drag queens out there its so costumey. Joe, of course, is all over this challenge – reiterating for us that he is a sportswear designer, as befitting a straight man I suppose. As I remember, the outfits for the opening parade are usually sort of geek looking – but I suppose when you get hundreds of people in matching outfits even Prada might look stupid.


And we’re at Mood. Stella is using black? Tim sounds surprised. Has he not been paying attention?

Fabric fight! Rumble at Mood! “Oh no he di’nt." Oh yes, sister, he did. Alas, no Roman Greco Wrestling on the fabric cutting table. Now THAT would have been Olympic.

Back in the workroom, we find out that Joe played football. (And, therefore, is straight with a wife and children.) Daniel isn’t athletic – he went to boarding school, and is designing a cocktail dress. Because nothing screams “athlete in training” like a cocktail. Oh, and one of the mousy brown haired girls was a cheerleader. Not because she wanted to be - but because she was a dancer and gymnast. (Because being a cheerleader just to be a cheerleader is a bad thing?)

Tanboi is in agony. Get the boy some “Warmth” by Bare Essentials. STAT!

Jennifer? Is designing for Doris Day.

Korto is making a touching speech about how much America means to her. Which, really, is touching. She was a refugee, and that would leave some traumatic scars on a child. So… she is either the winner or loser tonight. No doubt about it, the gut wrenching personal history is a tell. (Not that I’m saying that the editing of this show is getting predictable.)

Here comes TIM!

Joe. Tim approves of a skort? I would have never guessed that he’d be OK with something so very middle class and mall-ish.
Tanboi. I am now officially over him. Who doesn’t know when The Beatles were popular? Asshat.*
Daniel. Tim lectures Daniel, and Daniel is also not as cute close up as I thought he was. Distance? Is his best friend.
Jerell. Is using horizontal stripes on body conscious athletes? Is he trying to encourage eating disorders during the games? Gads!
Jennifer. Tim hates her outfit. I agree with Tim.

Back in the workroom and Wow! Daniel is stepping on a lot of toes tonight. Now he’s pissing off Joe about re threading the sewing machine. Throw it down, Joe! Is it just me or does Daniel have ADND? (Attention Deficit Narcissist Disorder)

Jerell’s outfit is ridiculous, like he’s dressing his model for a polo match. Polo is athletic… but I’m so not seeing 16 year old gymnasts in this "outfit". Who are these people kidding? Have they ever seen Olympic athletes? They aren’t 6 foot tall, thin models. Some of them don’t seem to get that this is a sportswear challenge.

You know what? Stella looks a lot like Cher when she wears makeup. I’m surprised the gays don’t like her more.


Time for the runway!! Woot woot!

Guest judge is Apollo Ohno. Because he’s fabulous.

Korto: It’s a pantsuit. Modern and not fussy.
Suede: His girl looks like a cheerleader.
Kelli: Model looks like a flight attendant from 1966.
Joe: Cute USA outfit. See, is this where we get in to trouble? Will the judges like it, or throw it out because it is so “expected”?
Leanne: Uhhh… Couture tennis anyone?
Daniel: Looks like Laura from last season designed it. Except then it would have been prettier, and the right color.
Jerell: Seriously? WTF? Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. So not what they asked for.
Stella: Its OK, except for the epaulets I sort of like it. I hate that I don’t hate it.
Keith: Yeah? No. Bad skirt. More Cirque than Beijing.
Terri: I like it, but not so much the jacket. This could work though.
Jennifer: Really is Doris Day. Also? Not surreal. Isn’t that her claim to fame? This MIGHT have been considered surreal in the 1700’s. Not so much now that 1950 has come and gone.
Blayne: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I like it. Very futuristic. Pretty cool.
Kenley: Are you kidding me? Rosie the Riveter went to the Olympics?

So, Suede, Kelli, Leanne, Stella, Keith, Blayne, and Kenley are all safe. Which is a gift for some of them, trust.

Lets bring out the models…
Terri: Apollo, likes the colors. Michael, said something about a Lauren Hutton vibe. Nina, likes the versatility. Sportswear, hooray.

Jennifer: Heidi, doesn’t read as modern, Olympic or American. (Can’t have missed the challenge much more than that!) Apollo, didn’t grasp design. Nina wants to do a little psychotherapy on poor Jennifer, to help her separate herself from the designs. Prim romantic athlete does not read well. (I think she is so out.)

Joe: Heidi likes the zipper. Apollo likes that it shows off an athletic body. Michael likes the skort, but hates the length. Nina likes the sporty-ness. Literal translation of the challenge.


Daniel: Apollo, said there is nothing Olympic or athletic about it. (Apollo is correct.) Nina said there was no relevance. Heidi calls out the purple. Michael thinks she is from the Republic of Cocktail land. Just hate. Hate hate hate.

Korto: Nina, likes the fabric, would present America as a very chic team. Heidi, likes it. Apollo, very 2008, big fan of the look. Very sophisticated and they like it. (It is cool, and looks even better during this discussion than it did going down the runway.)

Jerell: Apollo said very unique, but didn’t scream athletics. Nina is puzzled. Mary had a little lamb? Michale, Bad hat. Heidi hates it. They actually laughed at this dress. Thoughtful and good fabric, but a costume.

Winner is: Korto. See, now the soliloquy makes more sense. (I’m not seeing an Emmy for Originality in Editing any time soon.)

Auffed: Jennifer! Finally. Good bye you faux-surrealist! (Now I’ll be able to keep the girls straight! We’re down to one Betti Paige, one mousy brown straight haired girl, one blond girl, and two African Americans with different hairstyles. Thank God. Am I leaving anyone out? Is there a Hispanic lesbian, or is that Shear Genius?)
Until next week PR lovers!

*quoted from Jen Lancaster. Who I wish was the Official Author of my 2008 Olympic experience – because I think she is hilarious and I would DIG it if she recapped the events.

Pictures pirated from Project Runway Auction site.

Wordless Wednesday: amazing art by Julian Beever

Dear Miss Manners,

I am always forgetting... which spork is it that I use for the salad?