It has been almost 3 weeks since we lost our mom. I'm still just as sad as the day it happened, but I've been able to let it out of my mind for periods of time. Like when I'm around friends and at the kids school. As long as I'm not talking to people about her I'm OK. Mid-morning most days seems to bring a rush of sadness - although she is still the first thing to pop in to my mind once I'm awake and I've already yelled at DD1 to get her teeth brushed or I'll take her to the dentist and have them pulled. (Me? Not a morning person.) When I'm driving in the car without the kids I often find myself in tears before I even realize it is happening... and most nights I still cry myself to sleep.
She really isn't coming back.
I've been confused as to the timeline of stuff lately, and find myself thinking in terms of "before" and "after" it happened. Disneyland for DD1? Before. Kindergarten orientation? Right after. Oil change in the car? I think after, could have been before? I have a hard time even imagining June at this point, because it just isn't conceivable to me at this time that the world could have kept going for over a month without her annoying phone calls and tiny barbs about how I haven't had the girls over in too long. (Ahhh, I've got my theories on why old people get a little bit mean... for another day.)
It is still strange to me that the world didn't stop, or even - except for our small corner - change a little.
If the internet is correct (yes, I'm a "diagnose yourself on the internet" kind of gal), I'm still in the first stage of grief: Shock. Numbness. Disbelief and unreality. All stage one. Although, If I look at some of the next stages I don't see myself hitting them .Denial, Anger, or Bargaining. I'm certainly not in denial, I really don't imagine I'll go through a phase of "this can't be happening to me." I don't act as if she is still here... unless you count that I'm going to buy her a ticket to the girls' dance recital. I just want her to have a good seat should she choose to come check on us and watch her little darlings. She never missed a dance recital! She was aged, and in poor general health, and I'm not angry at her for letting go. I'm proud of her that she let go easily when she knew it was time... how could I be angry for her having such confidence in her faith that she could say that "today is the day", and let go? I didn't make any bargains with God when she was in the hospital, either. If there had been a miracle I would have given great thanks, but I didn't ever want her to be in discomfort just for my selfish reasons. I knew God wanted for her what was best for her, and isn't God a better judge of that than I?
That leaves Depression and Acceptance. Depression? Like I don't already excel at that? I hope I don't get depressed over her passing. Although I have regrets, I had my mother a lot longer than one would have expected considering how hard her life had been at times. She had a chance to meet (and loved!) my husband, joyfully celebrated our wedding, was the first family member to hold both of my daughters (her and dad, waiting for visiting hours to begin!), and my kids are at an age where they will remember her. Sadness that she has passed, yes. But I hope not depression.
Accepting the loss and not just trying to bear it quietly (or loudly sometimes)? Is probably a ways off.
I'm so sad shes gone.