Friday, May 16, 2008

What I'm feeling today

It has been almost 3 weeks since we lost our mom. I'm still just as sad as the day it happened, but I've been able to let it out of my mind for periods of time. Like when I'm around friends and at the kids school. As long as I'm not talking to people about her I'm OK. Mid-morning most days seems to bring a rush of sadness - although she is still the first thing to pop in to my mind once I'm awake and I've already yelled at DD1 to get her teeth brushed or I'll take her to the dentist and have them pulled. (Me? Not a morning person.) When I'm driving in the car without the kids I often find myself in tears before I even realize it is happening... and most nights I still cry myself to sleep.

She's gone.

She really isn't coming back.

I've been confused as to the timeline of stuff lately, and find myself thinking in terms of "before" and "after" it happened. Disneyland for DD1? Before. Kindergarten orientation? Right after. Oil change in the car? I think after, could have been before? I have a hard time even imagining June at this point, because it just isn't conceivable to me at this time that the world could have kept going for over a month without her annoying phone calls and tiny barbs about how I haven't had the girls over in too long. (Ahhh, I've got my theories on why old people get a little bit mean... for another day.)

It is still strange to me that the world didn't stop, or even - except for our small corner - change a little.

If the internet is correct (yes, I'm a "diagnose yourself on the internet" kind of gal), I'm still in the first stage of grief: Shock. Numbness. Disbelief and unreality. All stage one. Although, If I look at some of the next stages I don't see myself hitting them .Denial, Anger, or Bargaining. I'm certainly not in denial, I really don't imagine I'll go through a phase of "this can't be happening to me." I don't act as if she is still here... unless you count that I'm going to buy her a ticket to the girls' dance recital. I just want her to have a good seat should she choose to come check on us and watch her little darlings. She never missed a dance recital! She was aged, and in poor general health, and I'm not angry at her for letting go. I'm proud of her that she let go easily when she knew it was time... how could I be angry for her having such confidence in her faith that she could say that "today is the day", and let go? I didn't make any bargains with God when she was in the hospital, either. If there had been a miracle I would have given great thanks, but I didn't ever want her to be in discomfort just for my selfish reasons. I knew God wanted for her what was best for her, and isn't God a better judge of that than I?

That leaves Depression and Acceptance. Depression? Like I don't already excel at that? I hope I don't get depressed over her passing. Although I have regrets, I had my mother a lot longer than one would have expected considering how hard her life had been at times. She had a chance to meet (and loved!) my husband, joyfully celebrated our wedding, was the first family member to hold both of my daughters (her and dad, waiting for visiting hours to begin!), and my kids are at an age where they will remember her. Sadness that she has passed, yes. But I hope not depression.

Accepting the loss and not just trying to bear it quietly (or loudly sometimes)? Is probably a ways off.

I'm so sad shes gone.

10 comments:

Martha said...

How can one comment on such a heartfelt posting? You've captured it all, my friend. The journey we take after losing a loved one is a complicated one: filled with twists, and turns and sometimes detours.

Hugs and kisses to you..and you know, she'll be there at that recital! Nothing will keep her from missing watching those girls grow up. Yes, she's got herself a new watching post, but still, she is watching, guarding, protecting and guiding them as only an angel can do!

Vanessa said...

This is the type of post that is so great, I feel I muck it up by trying to comment and contribute. Just know that I'm thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

You know I relate to all those feelings (as deeply today as when they first began) and I send my most heartfelt virtual hug. You have a wonderful unity of family and friends. You mom is a Star watching over all the ones she loves and holds dear.
~G~

ganelle said...

So beautiful.

I just say that you need to give yourself permission to grieve in whatever way works for you. Maybe not so much bargaining, fine. More on the denail - whatever.

Just know that we'll love you through whatever may come...

Jay said...

i'm so sad she's gone too dodi...

Sitting in Silence said...

Dodi...beautiful post....

Just know I am thinking of you

xoxoxo

tz said...

I went through a stage after my father died where I would see men who looked just like him...just talking to someone on the street...I would stare to the point of making some of them uncomfortable and then I would wonder....maybe he didn't die, maybe it was some weird mistake....denial is one of the strangest of all the stages of grief...I hope you don't go through that, and certainly sorry you have to go through any of them!

hugs to you dodi!
t

"Vern" said...

Beautifully written.

Anonymous said...

Dodi,
Know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers and that we are here for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I think of the time when my mom will pass - way too often. I know that it is important to treasure the time we have with our loved ones. I like to think that she is and will always be with you and your children through every stage and important event in your/their lives.
Much love to you!!
Carol

nana barbie said...

Dodi, When I read "she's gone" "she's not coming back" I just started to sob. I guess we have to face that first and then we can try to go from there. So here I sit in my office with the tears running down my face and let's all try to remember that she was a great lady - not perfect by any means, but none of us are. If we could just (all 6 of us) show some of her strength, courage and ability to love we will all be better for having her in our lives. Love to you! The first of the brood.